Closet Christianity

Recently, there was a post on BuzzFeed where the author (an educated, straight, female) said that she felt that admitting that she was a Christian was like coming out of the closet, but she felt as though being a homosexual is more widely accepted than being a Christian.

In the comments that followed the post, people said all sorts of mean things. Someone called her homophobic, lots of people said she was entitled, not a minority, and had no idea what she was talking about.

Now, I don't know what it's like to be gay and to be afraid to let the people around you and the world in general know that you are gay. BUT I do know what it is like to be a Christian in the field of science.

There are scientists who are Christian. The two are NOT mutually exclusive. But throughout my education, I have been extremely aware of people who think that Christians are idiots.

I have been afraid of admitting to peers and professors that I am Christian because I am afraid that they will think that I am stupid (my intelligence is very important to me), I am afraid that I will be rejected, I am afraid that it will hurt relationships.

I don't actively try to hide the fact that I am a Christian, but I don't try to reveal it either.

I recently began my Master's of Science in Marine Biology at Texas A&M at Galveston. It is a science and engineering focused school. There are few religious organizations on campus. I don't know if I am actually in the minority on campus, but it feels like I am.

It stings when you are at work and you hear someone say, "Don't you just hate it when someone posts something religious on facebook? Doesn't that make you uncomfortable?" As though you aren't allowed to post your opinions or religious affiliation on social media. Or that it is socially forbidden. That it is taboo.

The United States of America was founded on religious freedom. It is in the 1st Amendment of the Bill of Rights. That shows just how important it is. But we have moved away from freedom of religion to freedom from religion.

Religious people are often looked down on. Christians are often looked down on.

I don't what to be thought less of for being a Christian anymore than a gay person wants to be thought less of for being gay. We are all people, regardless of our religious affiliation, sexual orientation, race, nationality, gender, sex, hair color... and we deserve to be treated as such.

Know one should have to hide who they are for fear of being mocked, rejected, ostracized, belittled, or hurt.

You don't have to like me, but would you mind at least trying to get to know me before you make that decision?

That's my two cents.

-Sharon

Engagement Season

Recently I heard a Kay Jewelers commercial that said it was "engagement season." I scoffed and said to my mother that I thought there was no particular engagement season; people just got engaged whenever the guy (or whoever is doing the proposing) feels its the correct time. She agreed with me.

But in the past month, two of my friends have gotten engaged, one friend got married, and my sister got married.

In June, one of my best friends got married.

Several girls in my sorority got engaged and married in the spring and over the summer.

So I don't really know if its "engagement season" or not, but I do know that I am at that age where it seems like everyone around me is getting engaged and married.

I'm happy for all of them, I am.

But it's hard.

It's hard not to see what they have and want it too. It's hard not to be a *little* bit jealous. It's hard not to feel a little inferior.

Now, dear reader, if you know exactly what I'm talking about, let me tell you, you are not inferior because you aren't getting engaged or married. There is nothing wrong with you because you aren't engaged. Wherever you are in your life, whatever you are doing right now, is exactly right for you.

I have a boyfriend who I would like to marry. I would really like him to get down on one knee with a ring and propose. But he hasn't. And that's okay. There is nothing wrong with me or with him or with us, just because we aren't engaged and planning a wedding.

I know that I tend to rush toward the next thing and not enjoy where I am. So maybe, I should just enjoy this time of being able to be my own person. Of only being responsible to myself, only having to cook for myself, clean up after myself, being able to watch whatever I want on tv, being able to write a blog post at midnight, and listen to whatever music I want however loud I want whenever I want.

That probably sounds a little selfish.

But I think before a person can be in a healthy relationship (or marriage), they must be confident of their self identity outside of a relationship. That is necessary for any person to be mentally healthy and fulfilled. And then they will be even better in a relationship.

I know its hard though. With all of these constant reminders: facebook posts, tweets, IG posts, pinterest pins, blogs, commercials, tv shows. American culture seems to put a HUGE emphasis on getting engaged and getting married.

But what we rarely say is that it is okay to be single or just dating someone. Your relationship is valid even if you don't have a big hunk of carbon on your finger. YOU are valid even if you aren't in a relationship.

I think timing is a huge thing. According to the Bible, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven..." (Ecclesiastes 3:1). So there is a time be single, dating, proposed to, engaged, married.

And if you aren't at the time as everyone around you, so what? Your clock is just a little different from theirs. Maybe their clock runs fast, maybe yours runs a little slow. Maybe they are in a different time zone than you. It really doesn't matter.

All that matters is you are where you are and it is the perfect place for right now. Don't rush it. Just enjoy it.

For what its worth, my boyfriend knows that I *really* wanna be engaged and sometimes he feels as though if a stranger were to propose to me, I would jump up and down and get excited and say yes. He sometimes feels that I just want the ring and the wedding and that I don't care who the other person is. He says I'm "ring hungry" (this phrase sounds like it would be on Urban Dictionary, but last I checked it wasn't. Weird, right?). I absolutely do care. But the fact that he ever thinks that tells me there is something not quite right with our relationship. It shows me that I need to be better at communicating just how important he is to me.

And when the time is right, it will be our turn to be engaged.

Don't be ring hungry,

Sharon

Introvert Seeking Christian Community in Grad School

Let me begin by defining a few terms for you.

Introvert (this one, I probably should have defined in one of my first posts) -

According to dictionary.com, an introvert is "1. a shy person." or in psychology "a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings (opposed to extrovert)."

That is almost how I would describe myself. My definition of introvert is slightly different. To me, an introvert is a quiet person who spends a lot of time within themselves. They may or may not like people, but they tend to shy away from contact with new people. In fact, contact with new people tends to make them uncomfortable. But, when around people they know well, they come out of their shells and may be quite animated. Generally, introverts do better with one-on-one or small group interactions. They may seem socially awkward at times. But, even introverts need support systems and communities. Sometimes, they may long for interaction with other people.

Christian Community -

You may come across a multitude of different definitions of this phrase if you google it. To me Christian community is a group of people whom you "do life with." These are people you meet with regularly, people you study the word with, pray with and for, ask to pray for you, share your struggles, and burdens with. Christian community is about sharing your life with others. It is having a support group who help you through struggles, root for you, build you up, and you do the same for them. You learn from each other and worship together.



Now it is only within the last few years that I have learned about Christian community. I grew up in the Church, but I didn't understand how you could be vulnerable with other people and be safe. I didn't understand the value of Christian community until the last two years. I started to want it when I was in college, but I ignored the desire my freshman and sophomore years. All at the same time, I started to see the value in Christian community. My parents started going to a very small church that was very welcoming and my junior year of college I joined Phi Lamb and Chi Alpha at Texas State. I don't know why, but things that had never clicked before started clicking with me within these groups. I had had church friends and I had talked about God with my friends and my parents, but something was changing within me.

Now, I miss that very much.

I miss having a Christian community to go to every week. I miss having people pray for me, I miss having people to worship with. I miss learning about the personal lives of the people in my Christian community. I miss seeing God work within my Christian communities.

I am still somewhat connected with those communities and I can (and do) go to them for support and prayer when I need it. I know that my Big is only a text away and that my sisters and friends are willing to pray if I only go and ask on the facebook page.

But I don't have a community to go be a part of each week.

Seeking a community is a struggle for me. I've been going to church on Sundays, but I haven't been interacting with a Christian community here in this new town, on this new campus. Seeking out a community is scary for me. I hate entering situations where I know no one. And thus far into the semester, it has prevented me from seeking out a community on campus. I have made a few friends, but I can feel that familiar desire, that desire to be actively connected with a body of believers where I am.

I am going to have to seek it out, even if it scares me. I'll probably text some of my new friends to see if they are connected with a group here so that I can tag along with them. And if they aren't, I can invite them to seek out a group with me. Having one person I know will make it that much less scary.

Usually graduate students don't get involved with organizations on their campus. They don't get into the spirit of the school. I'm not sure why, but that seems to be the case. But, I feel a pull; I need to be a part of a Christian community here.

I worry that my options are limited. TAMUG is first and foremost a science and engineering school. And, generally, scientists and engineers aren't known for being Christians, though some are. I know there is a YoungLife group on campus, so I may check that out. If it doesn't seem like the right fit for me, I know some local churches have college groups, and if I feel so led, I could even start a new group on campus.

That's where I am right now. I am an introverted graduate student, cautiously and nervously seeking Christian community. Hopefully, I find the place I need to be.

Love,

Sharon

Money, Money, Money: It's a Rich Man's World

Let me first apologize for not posting for about a month. I have been busy getting into the swing of grad school, a new job, things related to my sister's wedding, and have barely had any time to even think about posting a blog. I'm trying, I really am, but maybe there's no point in posting something when you don't have anything to say.

Right now I actually do have something to say. Let me warn you that this is a long post, but I hope that you'll stick it out til the end.

A few nights ago, I went to the grocery store and spent $115 which is A) the most I've ever spent at the grocery store B) more than I make in a week and C) about 20% of my rent. I pretended it was no big deal externally, while having a minor conniption internally, but I somehow calmed myself down. I exited the store, found my car, and loaded up my groceries. As I was putting the last few bags in my car I heard a quiet voice say, "Excuse me, ma'am?" I turned toward the man, "Could you help me buy a McDonald's sandwich?" I turned to my purse and dug around for my wallet; when I found it and was looking to see what I had, he was saying, "I've already got a little bit, if you could just give me like $0.27?" I handed him a $5. "God bless you." He said, I murmured something and he got onto his bike and rode away. He was missing teeth and looked a little bit dirty, but really not too bad.

On the drive home, I reflected on what I had done. Had I done the right thing? Was he really going to buy food? After awhile, I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter what he did with the money. I hoped he would use it for food, but I had done my part and could only hope for the best for this man who had approached me in the Randall's parking lot.

Back at my apartment, I plugged my phone in and set it on the arm of the couch while I cooked my supper. It slid off the arm and hit the floor. When I finally went over to it, I discovered the screen had shattered, though it still worked. I was frustrated and mentally began comparing myself to Job.

You know Job don't you? Job is the man in the Bible who is the subject of the devil's experiment. According to the story, God allows the devil to take everything away from Job. The devil thinks that Job will turn against God. God knows that Job won't. Jobs children and wife die, his home is destroyed, and I don't remember what else he loses, but its pretty bad.

And I had the audacity to compare myself to Job?

I wasn't mad at God. But I was a little frustrated. I had just given money to a man to help him buy dinner even though I am in debt and had just spent a ridiculous sum at the grocery store. Why were all of these bad things happening to me?

God doesn't work that way, though. The world doesn't work that way. Karma is not a thing. It seems like if you do good things, good things should happen to you, but that isn't true. In the New Testament, in the story of the rich young ruler (Mark 10:17-31), the apostles are concerned because they have given up everything to follow Jesus. They ask him if they will be rewarded and he tells them on earth: maybe; in heaven: definitely (Mark 10: 28-31). We have to remember that, as Christians, our reward is not of this earth, it is in heaven.

But that isn't my point.

The next afternoon I went to AT&T to get a new cell phone, thinking that I would be able to just get a free upgrade since I had had that phone for like four years. But AT&T basically doesn't do that anymore. Would nothing go my way? So after a long phone call with my dad, I got the least expensive phone available with AT&T Next (which I really did not want to sign up for, but I did because supposedly it was the most cost effective option). A low amount would be added to my family's monthly bill and I paid the tax in store. I was honestly worried that my card would be declined for the tax because of my expensive groceries the night before.

That night, I had insomnia, as I often do. That particular night, I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of all of my financial burdens: rent, food, loans, interest on said loans, gas. And I was incredibly stressed. I began a mental downward spiral. I second guessed my decision to get a new cell phone. I second guessed my decision to take out loans to come to grad school. I worried that I would graduate with my Master's degree and not be able to find a job to pay off my loans. What if I could never pay off my loans?

All of our lives we are taught that money is power. Even if it is never said explicitly. We hear phrases like "money talks," we see that candidates with the most money in their campaigns often win elections. We need money for our basic needs: food, shelter, clothing. If you don't have money, you are powerless, you are weak. You are the man asking a 23 year old for money to buy a burger from McDonald's. That is what our society says, anyway. We value the glitz and glamour of people with lots of money. We envy them; we think that if we can just have as much money as them, we will be happy.

We look down on people who are poor. We judge them. We assume that they are lazy and if they would just go get a job they would be fine. We resent them. We HATE them.

We HATE them.

Why?

Because they have no money.

So they must be lazy. They must be useless. They must be self-entitled.

So we snub them. Because they are less fortunate than we are.

I know people who call themselves Christ followers and yet they HATE these people.

Why? Because we believe that worth comes from money.

And that's why I was stressing out and spiraling downward. If I was under a load of loans, if I end up with no money, I thought that that would mean that I was powerless, weak, stupid, useless, worthless.

It isn't true.

That man in the Randall's parking lot is loved by God just as much as I am. He may not have enough money to buy a burger at McDonald's, but God rejoices over that man daily. God kisses his forehead. God holds him in the palm of his hand. God says to him, "You are my beloved. You are my creation. You are precious to me."

So I think this is what God had been training me for. This scary situation where I was getting into debt to pursue the passions that he instilled within me. When I doubt myself, it is because I am not relying on him. I am not trusting him to be faithful to me as he always has been.

He has been specifically faithful to me with finances within the last several months. He has been preparing me for the anxieties that he knew I would encounter. He has been preparing me for the self-doubt. He has been training me to believe that even though I don't have the money right now, he will provide it. He will provide a job, or a stipend, or a scholarship to pay off my loans or to keep me from taking out more loans. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I do know that my God is faithful and he will provide.

Blessings Until Next Time,

Sharon