You're great, but....
We've all heard those words. And it really sucks, because what it boils down to is a guy or girl who you really thought you had a chance with is telling you why it just won't work. And it's so hard to hear, but it's really important that we don't just shut down and not listen. Any relationship or potential relationship is a learning experience. If the other person is being honest with you, what ever follows those three words is the lesson. What you can do better in the future...or maybe not.
Let's talk about that first, the "you're great, buts" that are beyond our control.
"You're great, but your family sucks." I've basically been told that. He didn't technically say they sucked, but he said he didn't like them and he couldn't put up with them. My family is important to me. I love them. They are the second gift that God ever gave to me (the first being the gift of my salvation). They are precious to me. They aren't going away. They are part of the deal. So for me, that relationship can and will never work out. I'm not choosing a man over my family, unless he IS my family (as in my husband), but my future husband would never make me leave my family. He might ask me to physically move away from them for a job, but he would never say "Listen, it's me or them." Do you get what I'm saying here? I hope so, because I'm having trouble explaining it.
"You're great, but there's someone else." That sucks, and if you've ever been told that, I am sorry. But the thing is, he obviously wasn't committed to you and where there is no commitment, there can be no real relationship.
I'm sure there are plenty of others, but I can't think of them. But the point is, when someone gives you the "You're great, but" talk, you need to ask yourself, "Is this beyond my control?" If the answer is yes, then there's nothing for you to do. The relationship is over. Go binge watch your favorite tv show, cry to friends, eat tons of ice cream, go for a drive, call out to God. Let the healing begin.
What I really want to talk about is when you ask yourself, "Is this beyond my control?" and the answer is, "No, actually, it's not beyond my control." That's when there's a lesson to be learned.
First let me say that I am not writing this for you to think if you fix whatever it is, he will see that and you can get back together and live happily ever after. I am writing this to help you learn from your (and my) mistakes so that you cannot make the same mistakes in future, new relationships. While it is possible that you could make a change and end up getting back together with this person, it is extremely unlikely.
Just yesterday I was told: "You're great, but when it comes to relationships you seem too clingy and eager."
And you know what?
He was absolutely, 100% right. I AM too clingy. I AM too eager.
The frustrating thing for me was this is a relationship that ended before it even started. I thought there could be something good there, but because I am too clingy and because I am too eager, the relationship came to a screeching halt before it even left the station. And maybe that's for the best. I really don't know. But my point here is that for the girls out there who like me are too clingy and too eager, it turns men around. They want to chase you and they don't want you to be too interested. I know it's frustrating and difficult, but it's true. So what can we clingy/eager girls do?
Well here's what I did. I looked inward. I said to myself, where does the clinginess and the eagerness come from? I looked inside. At first I thought it came from the part of me that gets excited easily. And I do think that's true. But I think that it's a deeper problem than that. There is nothing wrong with being excited, but there is something wrong with being clingy and with being too eager. So the easily excited thing, was not the root of the problem, I had to look deeper. So I dug a little deeper and I looked at my soul and I realized that my clinginess and eagerness for relationships with guys here on earth is kind of a sin, for me at least. And when the Holy Spirit laid that on me, I got a little scared. I wanted to slam the door shut on my soul and take off running, because being clingy and too eager is something I have always struggled with so if it's a sin, how am I supposed to deal with that?
First let me explain, WHY I see clinging and being eager toward guys here on earth as a sin. To me, a sin is anything that separates me from God. I have definitely let relationships get between me and God before, and this is where that comes from. If I am clinging to a guy, if I am really eager toward a guy, then how am I supposed to maintain my relationship with God?
I can't. I am putting the guy in the way. Which is only going to set both of us up for failure. I'll have really high expectations for the guy, that he will never meet. And then I will be upset and disappointed and eventually the relationship will end.
So the clinginess and eagerness, for me at least, is a real problem. It is definitely something I have to work on.
So what can I do?
That's a bit harder. The answer is easy, but putting it into action will be difficult. The answer is this: I have to be eager for God, I have to cling to God, I have to seek God above and beyond everything else.
So I do think that God is giving me the gift of singleness right now. And it's not at all the gift that I want, but it definitely is the gift I need. I have to be able to cling to God through everything and not get distracted by something shiny (or muscle-y). I have to work toward Him in everything I do, and one day, I might find God blessing me with the gift of not-singleness (usually referred to as the gift of marriage) and then me and my guy will continue to pursue God first, before each other, before our relationship. I hope I get that gift one day, but for now I need to be happy with the gifts God has already given me.
I realize that I already have the most important relationship of my life: my relationship with God. I need to start treating it that way. Anything else is only secondary.
Seek God First,
Sharon
