Dating Guidelines

So you're entering into a relationship with someone! That's exciting! Maybe you've dated before but you want to proceed in this relationship in a different way.  But do you know how to go about it? I know I'm currently single, but I have dated in the past, I have read books, I have talked to people. What follows is a list of guidelines that I think would be useful in dating, and if/when I date/court in the future, I plan to follow them.

1. Have Non-negotiables:
• Non-negotiables are deal-breakers. Reasons you won't date someone. Define them, know them, and stick to them. There's no point in defining them if you are just going to throw them out the window as soon as you meet someone.
• If you are a Christian, don't date non-Christians. I don't care if you prayed about it and you think God says it's okay. This is the test of all tests. This is the line of all lines. You can't have a Christ-centered relationship if the other person isn't Christian. You don't share the same values. If your faith is actually important to you, it will be a problem to be in a relationship with someone who isn't a Christian. This is Biblical. The Bible tells Christians to be set apart and not to marry non-Christians (this is two different verses). The Bible is the Word of God. If it so clearly tells us to specifically do something (or to not do something), we should probably listen.
• My two biggest non-negotiables are that I won't date someone who isn't a Christian and I won't date someone who smokes. I have other preferences, yes, but if you don't pass those two tests, I won't date you.
2. Set Boundaries
• These boundaries should define what sorts of interactions are or are not unacceptable. For instance, it might be a bad idea to be alone in private together. You may not want to spend time together late at night.
3. Make sure both of you are aware of the boundaries
• Boundaries are easier to stick to if you are on the same page.
4. Tell other people about your boundaries
• Tell the people you spend the most time with or talk to the most, tell the people you live with, tell your parents. They will be able to help you stick to your boundaries.
• Don't get mad when the people you have shared your boundaries with tell you that they think you aren't sticking to your boundaries.
5. Listen to your friends and family
• If they come to you with concerns about the relationship. Listen! Don't get mad, discount what they tell you, or make excuses. Often when we care about someone the chemicals which make us feel as though we are in love (oxytocin, serotonin, adrenaline, and some others) tend to make us perceive the world differently and can cause us to ignore our significant others' flaws which may be detrimental in the long run. What I'm saying is your family and friends may be aware of things that you are completely unaware of.
• In fact, it would probably be a good idea to ask friends and family members what they think, especially people who know you well and who you trust.
6. Don't have sex
• When we have sex, our bodies produce the hormone vasopressin which, among other things, helps to develop a pair bond. It may cause a relationship that should've ended quickly to last awhile. And when you do break up, it will cause extreme pain when that pair bond is broken. It is in your best interests not to have sex.
7. Hang out with your friends
• Should the relationship not work out, it is important to still be close to your friends so that you can have support during this difficult time. And if the relationship is successful, you won't have to search out people to be in your wedding.
8. Don't lose yourself in the relationship
• It is okay to take interest in the things he is interested in, but he should take interest in the things that you are interested in.
• It is also important to be able to do things separately, sometimes we just need some time apart.
• Keep pursuing your interests throughout the relationship. You shouldn't have to give up an interest or a hobby to keep the relationship. He should respect that it is a part of who you are, he doesn't have to take up your hobbies, but he shouldn't prevent you from doing them.
• This is another thing that will help should the relationship end, you won't have to figure out who you used to be before the relationship and it will help you to be able to do things that you enjoy.
• In fact, my mother once recommended that I make a list of things that I enjoy doing and do them throughout the course of any relationship and I think this is a very good idea. 

Remember there's more to life than relationships, but if you are pursuing one or want to pursue one, be smart about it!

Also, you might want to check out my post on Courtship.

Happy Dating!

Sharon