Engagement Season

Recently I heard a Kay Jewelers commercial that said it was "engagement season." I scoffed and said to my mother that I thought there was no particular engagement season; people just got engaged whenever the guy (or whoever is doing the proposing) feels its the correct time. She agreed with me.

But in the past month, two of my friends have gotten engaged, one friend got married, and my sister got married.

In June, one of my best friends got married.

Several girls in my sorority got engaged and married in the spring and over the summer.

So I don't really know if its "engagement season" or not, but I do know that I am at that age where it seems like everyone around me is getting engaged and married.

I'm happy for all of them, I am.

But it's hard.

It's hard not to see what they have and want it too. It's hard not to be a *little* bit jealous. It's hard not to feel a little inferior.

Now, dear reader, if you know exactly what I'm talking about, let me tell you, you are not inferior because you aren't getting engaged or married. There is nothing wrong with you because you aren't engaged. Wherever you are in your life, whatever you are doing right now, is exactly right for you.

I have a boyfriend who I would like to marry. I would really like him to get down on one knee with a ring and propose. But he hasn't. And that's okay. There is nothing wrong with me or with him or with us, just because we aren't engaged and planning a wedding.

I know that I tend to rush toward the next thing and not enjoy where I am. So maybe, I should just enjoy this time of being able to be my own person. Of only being responsible to myself, only having to cook for myself, clean up after myself, being able to watch whatever I want on tv, being able to write a blog post at midnight, and listen to whatever music I want however loud I want whenever I want.

That probably sounds a little selfish.

But I think before a person can be in a healthy relationship (or marriage), they must be confident of their self identity outside of a relationship. That is necessary for any person to be mentally healthy and fulfilled. And then they will be even better in a relationship.

I know its hard though. With all of these constant reminders: facebook posts, tweets, IG posts, pinterest pins, blogs, commercials, tv shows. American culture seems to put a HUGE emphasis on getting engaged and getting married.

But what we rarely say is that it is okay to be single or just dating someone. Your relationship is valid even if you don't have a big hunk of carbon on your finger. YOU are valid even if you aren't in a relationship.

I think timing is a huge thing. According to the Bible, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven..." (Ecclesiastes 3:1). So there is a time be single, dating, proposed to, engaged, married.

And if you aren't at the time as everyone around you, so what? Your clock is just a little different from theirs. Maybe their clock runs fast, maybe yours runs a little slow. Maybe they are in a different time zone than you. It really doesn't matter.

All that matters is you are where you are and it is the perfect place for right now. Don't rush it. Just enjoy it.

For what its worth, my boyfriend knows that I *really* wanna be engaged and sometimes he feels as though if a stranger were to propose to me, I would jump up and down and get excited and say yes. He sometimes feels that I just want the ring and the wedding and that I don't care who the other person is. He says I'm "ring hungry" (this phrase sounds like it would be on Urban Dictionary, but last I checked it wasn't. Weird, right?). I absolutely do care. But the fact that he ever thinks that tells me there is something not quite right with our relationship. It shows me that I need to be better at communicating just how important he is to me.

And when the time is right, it will be our turn to be engaged.

Don't be ring hungry,

Sharon

Dating Guidelines

So you're entering into a relationship with someone! That's exciting! Maybe you've dated before but you want to proceed in this relationship in a different way.  But do you know how to go about it? I know I'm currently single, but I have dated in the past, I have read books, I have talked to people. What follows is a list of guidelines that I think would be useful in dating, and if/when I date/court in the future, I plan to follow them.

1. Have Non-negotiables:
• Non-negotiables are deal-breakers. Reasons you won't date someone. Define them, know them, and stick to them. There's no point in defining them if you are just going to throw them out the window as soon as you meet someone.
• If you are a Christian, don't date non-Christians. I don't care if you prayed about it and you think God says it's okay. This is the test of all tests. This is the line of all lines. You can't have a Christ-centered relationship if the other person isn't Christian. You don't share the same values. If your faith is actually important to you, it will be a problem to be in a relationship with someone who isn't a Christian. This is Biblical. The Bible tells Christians to be set apart and not to marry non-Christians (this is two different verses). The Bible is the Word of God. If it so clearly tells us to specifically do something (or to not do something), we should probably listen.
• My two biggest non-negotiables are that I won't date someone who isn't a Christian and I won't date someone who smokes. I have other preferences, yes, but if you don't pass those two tests, I won't date you.
2. Set Boundaries
• These boundaries should define what sorts of interactions are or are not unacceptable. For instance, it might be a bad idea to be alone in private together. You may not want to spend time together late at night.
3. Make sure both of you are aware of the boundaries
• Boundaries are easier to stick to if you are on the same page.
4. Tell other people about your boundaries
• Tell the people you spend the most time with or talk to the most, tell the people you live with, tell your parents. They will be able to help you stick to your boundaries.
• Don't get mad when the people you have shared your boundaries with tell you that they think you aren't sticking to your boundaries.
5. Listen to your friends and family
• If they come to you with concerns about the relationship. Listen! Don't get mad, discount what they tell you, or make excuses. Often when we care about someone the chemicals which make us feel as though we are in love (oxytocin, serotonin, adrenaline, and some others) tend to make us perceive the world differently and can cause us to ignore our significant others' flaws which may be detrimental in the long run. What I'm saying is your family and friends may be aware of things that you are completely unaware of.
• In fact, it would probably be a good idea to ask friends and family members what they think, especially people who know you well and who you trust.
6. Don't have sex
• When we have sex, our bodies produce the hormone vasopressin which, among other things, helps to develop a pair bond. It may cause a relationship that should've ended quickly to last awhile. And when you do break up, it will cause extreme pain when that pair bond is broken. It is in your best interests not to have sex.
7. Hang out with your friends
• Should the relationship not work out, it is important to still be close to your friends so that you can have support during this difficult time. And if the relationship is successful, you won't have to search out people to be in your wedding.
8. Don't lose yourself in the relationship
• It is okay to take interest in the things he is interested in, but he should take interest in the things that you are interested in.
• It is also important to be able to do things separately, sometimes we just need some time apart.
• Keep pursuing your interests throughout the relationship. You shouldn't have to give up an interest or a hobby to keep the relationship. He should respect that it is a part of who you are, he doesn't have to take up your hobbies, but he shouldn't prevent you from doing them.
• This is another thing that will help should the relationship end, you won't have to figure out who you used to be before the relationship and it will help you to be able to do things that you enjoy.
• In fact, my mother once recommended that I make a list of things that I enjoy doing and do them throughout the course of any relationship and I think this is a very good idea. 

Remember there's more to life than relationships, but if you are pursuing one or want to pursue one, be smart about it!

Also, you might want to check out my post on Courtship.

Happy Dating!

Sharon

Courtship

Recently I've been thinking a lot about relationships. I'm surrounded by them. I know a lot of girls who are dating or are engaged. As I mentioned previously, my roommate recently started dating this guy. Since it's her first relationship, I've been trying to help her, and talking to her has brought up some really tough questions. Especially about boundaries.

A few days ago I finished reading this book called, "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris. You might be a little freaked out by the word 'courtship.' It might seem old fashioned or you might think of it as the weird dating thing the Duggars do where the parents go on all of the dates with their kids. But that isn't the idea of courtship in "Boy Meets Girl." It's a kind of radically different approach to dating or relationships or whatever you want to call it. What it boils down to is being intentional, protective, and guarding your hearts as you pursue a relationship with someone else. Maybe like me, you've heard of being intentional and guarding your hearts. And maybe like me, you weren't quite sure what that meant. After reading this book, I think being intentional just means approaching the relationship honestly and with the intention of answering the question, "should I marry this person?" That is what dating is about after all, finding a husband or a wife; a partner for life. Guarding your hearts (as I understood it) is about being honest with the person you are in a relationship with about where you see the relationship going, not sharing too much of yourself too soon (emotionally or physically).

Courtship is this radically different approach to dating that I think we desperately need today. People treat sex as nonchalant. But really if you have sex with someone without commitment and trust, you are hurting yourself. Sex cannot be casual because it involves all of you. But you can't just draw the line at sex. There are so many other things that require boundaries, and I think Joshua Harris does a good job addressing that in his book. He recognizes that what worked for him might not be right for everyone else, but he does point out that lust always wants more. It may start with an innocent kiss...but eventually that will not be enough anymore (for lust). You have to set boundaries before you get into those situations. So where do you draw the line in the sand? That really is up to you and I can't answer that question, but I'd highly recommend reading the chapter in the book titled "True Love Doesn't Just Wait." And let me tell you, I don't think there's anything wrong with kissing before marriage, but Joshua does have me rethinking that a little bit after reading that chapter. He explains boundaries way better than I ever could, so I urge you to go pick up a copy of his book.

Courtship is also about community. It is so important to get to know someone as a part of a community: around their friends, family, church, and so on. It is important to ask people that you trust to keep you accountable to your boundaries. It is important to allow the people around you to have a voice in your relationship: they may see something you don't see. They really do just want what is best for you. So don't ignore your friends or family if they tell you something that you don't want to hear. That is the most important time to listen to them.

To me, I think that before entering a time of courtship, it would be ideal to already have a foundation as friends. There is certainly a place for growing a friendship inside of courtship, but I honestly can't even imagine entering a courtship without knowing the guy as a friend first.

The last thing I want to say is that this book brought some things up inside of me. I realized that I want a relationship too much. Which is bad for me and unfair to anyone that I would date or even marry. I would have unrealistic expectations for the guy which would be frustrating for him; he would never be able to measure up because I would rely on him too much. So that is something that I will definitely have to work on. I have to pursue the Lord first, and any guy can come second. Even though I know this, I need to actively work on it. The other thing is that I have trouble accepting God's forgiveness for my past mistakes; I know that I have turned away from them, but I still feel the guilt from them, so I really need to try and look at myself through the Lord's eyes instead of my own.

I really hope you'll go out and read "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris, it might just change your mind about how to pursue a relationship.

Happy Courting!

Sharon