Closet Christianity

Recently, there was a post on BuzzFeed where the author (an educated, straight, female) said that she felt that admitting that she was a Christian was like coming out of the closet, but she felt as though being a homosexual is more widely accepted than being a Christian.

In the comments that followed the post, people said all sorts of mean things. Someone called her homophobic, lots of people said she was entitled, not a minority, and had no idea what she was talking about.

Now, I don't know what it's like to be gay and to be afraid to let the people around you and the world in general know that you are gay. BUT I do know what it is like to be a Christian in the field of science.

There are scientists who are Christian. The two are NOT mutually exclusive. But throughout my education, I have been extremely aware of people who think that Christians are idiots.

I have been afraid of admitting to peers and professors that I am Christian because I am afraid that they will think that I am stupid (my intelligence is very important to me), I am afraid that I will be rejected, I am afraid that it will hurt relationships.

I don't actively try to hide the fact that I am a Christian, but I don't try to reveal it either.

I recently began my Master's of Science in Marine Biology at Texas A&M at Galveston. It is a science and engineering focused school. There are few religious organizations on campus. I don't know if I am actually in the minority on campus, but it feels like I am.

It stings when you are at work and you hear someone say, "Don't you just hate it when someone posts something religious on facebook? Doesn't that make you uncomfortable?" As though you aren't allowed to post your opinions or religious affiliation on social media. Or that it is socially forbidden. That it is taboo.

The United States of America was founded on religious freedom. It is in the 1st Amendment of the Bill of Rights. That shows just how important it is. But we have moved away from freedom of religion to freedom from religion.

Religious people are often looked down on. Christians are often looked down on.

I don't what to be thought less of for being a Christian anymore than a gay person wants to be thought less of for being gay. We are all people, regardless of our religious affiliation, sexual orientation, race, nationality, gender, sex, hair color... and we deserve to be treated as such.

Know one should have to hide who they are for fear of being mocked, rejected, ostracized, belittled, or hurt.

You don't have to like me, but would you mind at least trying to get to know me before you make that decision?

That's my two cents.

-Sharon

Introvert Seeking Christian Community in Grad School

Let me begin by defining a few terms for you.

Introvert (this one, I probably should have defined in one of my first posts) -

According to dictionary.com, an introvert is "1. a shy person." or in psychology "a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings (opposed to extrovert)."

That is almost how I would describe myself. My definition of introvert is slightly different. To me, an introvert is a quiet person who spends a lot of time within themselves. They may or may not like people, but they tend to shy away from contact with new people. In fact, contact with new people tends to make them uncomfortable. But, when around people they know well, they come out of their shells and may be quite animated. Generally, introverts do better with one-on-one or small group interactions. They may seem socially awkward at times. But, even introverts need support systems and communities. Sometimes, they may long for interaction with other people.

Christian Community -

You may come across a multitude of different definitions of this phrase if you google it. To me Christian community is a group of people whom you "do life with." These are people you meet with regularly, people you study the word with, pray with and for, ask to pray for you, share your struggles, and burdens with. Christian community is about sharing your life with others. It is having a support group who help you through struggles, root for you, build you up, and you do the same for them. You learn from each other and worship together.



Now it is only within the last few years that I have learned about Christian community. I grew up in the Church, but I didn't understand how you could be vulnerable with other people and be safe. I didn't understand the value of Christian community until the last two years. I started to want it when I was in college, but I ignored the desire my freshman and sophomore years. All at the same time, I started to see the value in Christian community. My parents started going to a very small church that was very welcoming and my junior year of college I joined Phi Lamb and Chi Alpha at Texas State. I don't know why, but things that had never clicked before started clicking with me within these groups. I had had church friends and I had talked about God with my friends and my parents, but something was changing within me.

Now, I miss that very much.

I miss having a Christian community to go to every week. I miss having people pray for me, I miss having people to worship with. I miss learning about the personal lives of the people in my Christian community. I miss seeing God work within my Christian communities.

I am still somewhat connected with those communities and I can (and do) go to them for support and prayer when I need it. I know that my Big is only a text away and that my sisters and friends are willing to pray if I only go and ask on the facebook page.

But I don't have a community to go be a part of each week.

Seeking a community is a struggle for me. I've been going to church on Sundays, but I haven't been interacting with a Christian community here in this new town, on this new campus. Seeking out a community is scary for me. I hate entering situations where I know no one. And thus far into the semester, it has prevented me from seeking out a community on campus. I have made a few friends, but I can feel that familiar desire, that desire to be actively connected with a body of believers where I am.

I am going to have to seek it out, even if it scares me. I'll probably text some of my new friends to see if they are connected with a group here so that I can tag along with them. And if they aren't, I can invite them to seek out a group with me. Having one person I know will make it that much less scary.

Usually graduate students don't get involved with organizations on their campus. They don't get into the spirit of the school. I'm not sure why, but that seems to be the case. But, I feel a pull; I need to be a part of a Christian community here.

I worry that my options are limited. TAMUG is first and foremost a science and engineering school. And, generally, scientists and engineers aren't known for being Christians, though some are. I know there is a YoungLife group on campus, so I may check that out. If it doesn't seem like the right fit for me, I know some local churches have college groups, and if I feel so led, I could even start a new group on campus.

That's where I am right now. I am an introverted graduate student, cautiously and nervously seeking Christian community. Hopefully, I find the place I need to be.

Love,

Sharon

Money, Money, Money: It's a Rich Man's World

Let me first apologize for not posting for about a month. I have been busy getting into the swing of grad school, a new job, things related to my sister's wedding, and have barely had any time to even think about posting a blog. I'm trying, I really am, but maybe there's no point in posting something when you don't have anything to say.

Right now I actually do have something to say. Let me warn you that this is a long post, but I hope that you'll stick it out til the end.

A few nights ago, I went to the grocery store and spent $115 which is A) the most I've ever spent at the grocery store B) more than I make in a week and C) about 20% of my rent. I pretended it was no big deal externally, while having a minor conniption internally, but I somehow calmed myself down. I exited the store, found my car, and loaded up my groceries. As I was putting the last few bags in my car I heard a quiet voice say, "Excuse me, ma'am?" I turned toward the man, "Could you help me buy a McDonald's sandwich?" I turned to my purse and dug around for my wallet; when I found it and was looking to see what I had, he was saying, "I've already got a little bit, if you could just give me like $0.27?" I handed him a $5. "God bless you." He said, I murmured something and he got onto his bike and rode away. He was missing teeth and looked a little bit dirty, but really not too bad.

On the drive home, I reflected on what I had done. Had I done the right thing? Was he really going to buy food? After awhile, I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter what he did with the money. I hoped he would use it for food, but I had done my part and could only hope for the best for this man who had approached me in the Randall's parking lot.

Back at my apartment, I plugged my phone in and set it on the arm of the couch while I cooked my supper. It slid off the arm and hit the floor. When I finally went over to it, I discovered the screen had shattered, though it still worked. I was frustrated and mentally began comparing myself to Job.

You know Job don't you? Job is the man in the Bible who is the subject of the devil's experiment. According to the story, God allows the devil to take everything away from Job. The devil thinks that Job will turn against God. God knows that Job won't. Jobs children and wife die, his home is destroyed, and I don't remember what else he loses, but its pretty bad.

And I had the audacity to compare myself to Job?

I wasn't mad at God. But I was a little frustrated. I had just given money to a man to help him buy dinner even though I am in debt and had just spent a ridiculous sum at the grocery store. Why were all of these bad things happening to me?

God doesn't work that way, though. The world doesn't work that way. Karma is not a thing. It seems like if you do good things, good things should happen to you, but that isn't true. In the New Testament, in the story of the rich young ruler (Mark 10:17-31), the apostles are concerned because they have given up everything to follow Jesus. They ask him if they will be rewarded and he tells them on earth: maybe; in heaven: definitely (Mark 10: 28-31). We have to remember that, as Christians, our reward is not of this earth, it is in heaven.

But that isn't my point.

The next afternoon I went to AT&T to get a new cell phone, thinking that I would be able to just get a free upgrade since I had had that phone for like four years. But AT&T basically doesn't do that anymore. Would nothing go my way? So after a long phone call with my dad, I got the least expensive phone available with AT&T Next (which I really did not want to sign up for, but I did because supposedly it was the most cost effective option). A low amount would be added to my family's monthly bill and I paid the tax in store. I was honestly worried that my card would be declined for the tax because of my expensive groceries the night before.

That night, I had insomnia, as I often do. That particular night, I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of all of my financial burdens: rent, food, loans, interest on said loans, gas. And I was incredibly stressed. I began a mental downward spiral. I second guessed my decision to get a new cell phone. I second guessed my decision to take out loans to come to grad school. I worried that I would graduate with my Master's degree and not be able to find a job to pay off my loans. What if I could never pay off my loans?

All of our lives we are taught that money is power. Even if it is never said explicitly. We hear phrases like "money talks," we see that candidates with the most money in their campaigns often win elections. We need money for our basic needs: food, shelter, clothing. If you don't have money, you are powerless, you are weak. You are the man asking a 23 year old for money to buy a burger from McDonald's. That is what our society says, anyway. We value the glitz and glamour of people with lots of money. We envy them; we think that if we can just have as much money as them, we will be happy.

We look down on people who are poor. We judge them. We assume that they are lazy and if they would just go get a job they would be fine. We resent them. We HATE them.

We HATE them.

Why?

Because they have no money.

So they must be lazy. They must be useless. They must be self-entitled.

So we snub them. Because they are less fortunate than we are.

I know people who call themselves Christ followers and yet they HATE these people.

Why? Because we believe that worth comes from money.

And that's why I was stressing out and spiraling downward. If I was under a load of loans, if I end up with no money, I thought that that would mean that I was powerless, weak, stupid, useless, worthless.

It isn't true.

That man in the Randall's parking lot is loved by God just as much as I am. He may not have enough money to buy a burger at McDonald's, but God rejoices over that man daily. God kisses his forehead. God holds him in the palm of his hand. God says to him, "You are my beloved. You are my creation. You are precious to me."

So I think this is what God had been training me for. This scary situation where I was getting into debt to pursue the passions that he instilled within me. When I doubt myself, it is because I am not relying on him. I am not trusting him to be faithful to me as he always has been.

He has been specifically faithful to me with finances within the last several months. He has been preparing me for the anxieties that he knew I would encounter. He has been preparing me for the self-doubt. He has been training me to believe that even though I don't have the money right now, he will provide it. He will provide a job, or a stipend, or a scholarship to pay off my loans or to keep me from taking out more loans. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I do know that my God is faithful and he will provide.

Blessings Until Next Time,

Sharon

Going to Grad School: Signing the Lease

You've been approved for your apartment and its time to sign your lease!

Usually a representative of the apartment will go through the lease with you and show you where to initial, sign, and date the document. Even though they will offer a brief summary of each page, it is SO important  that you read each page and section, you need to know what you are agreeing to. A lease is a legally binding document.

Usually at the same that you sign the lease, the guaranty form will need to be completed. This form should be completed by someone (usually a parent or guardian) who agrees to pay your rent for you if you don't for some reason.

There may be additional forms filled out at this time as well. Such as pet or vehicle information.

You may also need to submit your security deposit at this time if you haven't already.

There is often a Community Policy Handbook that you will have to sign and agree to abide by.

Again, be sure to read everything that you sign!

Soon, it will be time to move in!

Unitl then,

Sharon

Going to Grad School: Applying for your Apartment

Congratulations! You've found your ideal apartment; so now it's time to apply!

If you can, I reccommend applying in person, that way the leasing agent or apartment representative will be able to ensure that your application is complete.

If you can't apply in person, don't fret! Many apartments allow you to apply online either through a form online or you may be able to fax or email the application to the apartment manager.

In addition to the actual application, you will usually need to pay an application fee, some complexes require you to submit your deposit with your application, they may request a copy of your ID, and most students require a guarantor so there is often a form for your potential guarantor to sign.

Once your application is complete, the complex will likely look into your credit history, perform a criminal background check, and often check your rental history.

As long as everything comes back clear; you'll be approved and it'll be time to sign the lease! I'll be back next time with some advice on signing the lease.

Good luck,

Sharon

Going to Grad School: Finding a Place to Live

During the spring semester of my senior year at Texas State University, I applied to the master's non-thesis Marine Biology IDP program at TAMUG. I was accepted.

At first I wasn't sure if I was going to go or not, but after I applied for a ton of jobs, I hoped that that was a signal from the man upstairs that I should go ahead and go to grad school.

This meant that I had to find a place to live in Galveston. But as I'm about four hours away, that is quite difficult.

I googled Apartments in Galveston, TX which did return results, but ultimately wasn't that helpful. I looked on craigslist for apartments which helped me find two possible complexes and I looked up apartment locators in Galveston. However, the most useful resource was from the University's website.

Many Universities have information about off-campus living. This is probably the most reliable resource you can use. Although TAMUG requires all undergraduate students to live on campus, they have a listing of apartments which are willing to work with students, this listing also included what the rental rates were and what was included.

What to look for:

1. Rent - First, make yourself an approximate budget and determine how much you can afford in monthly rent. Do not look at apartments that are above your price range.

2. Utilities - Some apartments which are geared toward students will include all or some amount of the utilities. But it is very important to know what you are expected to pay. At my two apartments in San Marcos, no utilities were included. The electricity was metered and paid through the city, which worked out quite well. At my first apartment gas and water were allocated (water was allocated at my second apartment), which frustrated me. This means that your water bill is dependent on the entire building's water usage, which is then divided by the number and square footage of the units. So it is very difficult to control bills for utilities that are allocated. Utilities also tend to change from month to month so when rent includes all of your  utilities, budgeting is a lot easier.

3. Proximity to campus - I prefer to live within walking distance to campus, but if you don't mind living further and driving to and from school then you can increase your search radius. Often, apartments further from campus are less expensive. Also, if yur school has a bus system, its a good idea to look for an apartment that is either on the bus route or within walking distance of a bus stop.

4. Lease length - Often student's only live in the college town during the school year. If you plan to go home during the summer, it's a good idea to look for an apartment that offers 9 moth lease terms. But often, you may be stuck with a 12 month lease.

5. Roommates - Living with roommates is often less expensive, but can introduce new issues. Living in an apartment that offers "by-the-bed" leasing can help to reduce tensions because you aren't responsible for your roommates rent. If you would like to have roommates to save money, but don't have anyone to live with, keep in mind that many apartments do "roommate matching" though it should be noted that they may not try that hard to match you with someone. I have friends who say that you should not live with friends, because it may ruin the friendship. While this isn't true of everyone, I have seen it happen. If you do live with roommates, I recommend suggesting a "Roommate Agreement" which may help ease tension and reduce future problems. Just remember, you have to stick to the roommate agreement, not just your new roommate.

6. Do you have pets that you will be bringing with you? Most apartments have a pet deposit or pet rent. Some complexes have breed restrictions on dogs. These are things to be aware of when looking for your apartment.

Once you've found your ideal apartment, it's time to apply! I'll talk about that in my next post.

Happy hunting,

Sharon

NaPoWriMo: Day 1 - Poem of Negation

Today is the first official day of NaPoWriMo: hooray! Today the prompt from NaPoWriMo.net is an intriguing one: write a poem of negation - a poem that describes something by saying what it's not. I think I am going to describe a piece of much-awaited mail I received yesterday...



I go to my mailbox, unlock it, reach in
The mailbox isn't empty;
I pull out two pieces of mail,
This one isn't anything noteworthy; I don't keep it.
But this one isn't junk...
It isn't the large envelope I had hoped for.
So it doesn't look like good news.
The flap isn't folded properly,
As though something didn't fit quite right inside.
And the envelope isn't sealed in the typical way either.
The tape doesn't want to come up,
But I don't want to tear the envelope open;
I don't leave it sealed.
Not quite what I expected,
There isn't one thing inside the envelope
(But two).
One of the items isn't a letter.
I don't really read it
(But just skim to get the gist),
It isn't hand written.
I haven't been rejected
But I can't get any assistantships or scholarships.
This isn't good news,
But it isn't bad news either.
This isn't a question
(but it brings a big one up!)
I wasn't excited when I saw it in my mailbox.
I wasn't relieved when I read it.
I wasn't excited after reading it either,
(but people expected me to be).
I don't know what to do,
But I can't do nothing.

Now I exist in that gray space
Between eager anticipation and disappointment.
The dream seems just a little beyond my reach.
I know that I should be happy that I wasn't rejected,
But I'm not.
This answer only caused more questions.
And now I return to the place of uncertainty.
Though I am no longer waiting,
I don't know what do,
But at the same time, I can't do nothing.

And on top of that, there's more mail coming.



This was an interesting challenge, that I did enjoy. I don't often think in terms of the negative when trying to describe something. It's kind of like if you were trying to describe a photograph from its negative (do people even know what that kind of negative is anymore?) I think it was a good thinking exercise; I kept having to ask myself: "how do I say this, without saying that?". Not a perfect attempt from me, but I am content with the results. Perhaps I could even describe the whole experience with more negatives....What do you think? Add more or is it good as is?

Give it a try!

Sharon

Applying to Grad School (or My Totally Weird Experience Taking the GRE)

So I'm applying to Graduate School! Which is exciting I guess.... I hope I get in, but I'm not sure if I'll go or not. I really want to but a) I'm sort of tired of school and b) I'm not sure how I'll pay for it (I'm applying for a non-thesis program which means there's little to no funding). But part of me really wants to go! So we'll see what happens, but first I have to get in! So first I want to give you a quick run-down of what the application entails. And then I'm going to tell you about the totally weird experience I had taking the GRE (but NO content of the exam, because that violates the rules of the test and can result in bad things, like my scores on the exam being cancelled. It's kinda like the AP tests and all that).

So for my application to grad school (which is pretty standard)  I had to submit:

• The ApplyTexas application (again?!?!?) (if you aren't from Texas, this is the common application that ALL public schools in Texas have to accept and most private schools accept as well).
• An application fee (which was $50)
• Three letters of recommendation! This gave me a bit of pause, because I am introverted and shy, I don't tend to go to my professors' offices and get to know them. I easily thought of one professor (my go-to for letters of recommendation because I had him for two classes and I knew he knew me fairly well), remembered that one of my professors REALLY wanted all of us to go to graduate school (he told me he thought I would get accepted by the program when I asked him [through email of course - shy, remember] - that was so encouraging!), and thought of another professor who I knew knew who I was (the bar was kinda low here). I can not reiterate this enough: TALK TO YOUR PROFESSORS, it helps your grade and you never know when you'll need their letter of recommendation.
• A statement of purpose - this is basically saying why you want to go to grad school, specificially their program, what you can gain from it, and what you have to offer. It's kind of like an elevator pitch. I feel like I could've done way better, but oh well.
• A resume/CV
• My GRE scores (it costs $150 to take this test by the way)

(For more info about what applying to grad school feels like see this buzzfeed article, it's pretty funny and accurate at the same time).

That brings us to My Totally Weird Experience Taking the GRE. So looks like this post might be a little long. Hopefully, you think this is funny/outlandish/entertaining or something.

So to begin with, I was frustrated because when I started looking into taking the GRE, I discovered that I could not take the GRE in San Marcos (where I go to school), but instead, I would have to take it in Austin or San Antonio. I don't have a car, so getting there would be difficult.  Plus it was $150! Believe me, I don't have that lying around. So I talked to my parents and they said that not only would they foot the bill, but my dad would drive me to and from the test (parents of the year, every year [my parents are awesome - this is not sarcastic]). So I sign up and my test is the following Wednesday which happens to be the week that school starts so no time to study for this super important test...oh well, I'll just do the best I can.

So the day of the test comes, dad picks me up from my apartment, we get lunch, and drive like an hour to the other side of San Antonio (I think, I really don't know most of San Antonio very well). And we go to a nearby Barnes and Nobles because we have about an hour til I'm supposed to be there. Then we head to a nearby shopping center where the Prometric Testing Center is "co-located" (pretty sure they made up that word) with a Sylvan Learning Center, but there are two doors so I'm not sure which one to go in. So I go in the Prometric one and walk down this really weird long hallway to another door which informs me that I need to turn off my phone and send my dad away. So he goes back to the car (where he'll wait for a little bit because I was slightly concerned they wouldn't let me test because the name on my driver's license doesn't 100% match the name I registered for the test with - but I couldn't figure out how to change it for the life of me).

The place is dead quiet. And there's like NO ONE there (but I hear voices coming from the back). It kinda looks like a doctor's office. So I go over to the reception desk that says check in here. And I stand there for a minute before a lady comes out and asks for my ID and asks if my phone is off and tells me I need to empty my pockets (which were empty, thankfully). She gives me forms on a clipboard and a key to a locker to put my stuff in but tells me to keep my ID with me at all times and that I'll need to sign the paper and copy the paragraph on the bottom and we can get started when I finish the form.

So I put my purse in the locker and go sit down to do the form. It's mostly just agreeing to rules. Then I accidentally check a box indicating I'm not a US citizen (which I am, whoops!), only I haven't realized it yet. So when I go to turn in the form (to a different girl) she's like "Do you have your papers or passport?" So I get super confused and say "No, just my driver's license." The girl looks at me like I'm crazy and is like, "Are you a US citizen?" I say I am. She tells me I checked a box saying I'm not...I quickly scratch that out and check the correct box which satisfies her.

She takes me back and has me stand on these two footprints. She has me pull out my pockets to show they're empty, then she has me rub my hands side to side in my back pockets to show those are empty too. She has me push up my sleeves as far as I can. She has me pull my pants up so that she can see that there's nothing on my ankles. Then she has me put my feet together and uses one of those paddle things they use at airports and what-not when you make a metal detector go off to make sure I don't have anything hidden on me, I guess. She also has me take off my glasses so that she can make sure there's nothing on the back of them (I have no idea what they were looking for - a disguised google glass, maybe? I'm way too poor for that and I have no connections so...).

Now I sit in front of a guy at a computer (which I notice shows all of the people at the computer stations in the testing room - um, creepy); he takes my driver's license and has me tell him the address I used to register for the test. And the email I used to sign up for the test, which makes me nervous because I have two and I don't remember which I signed up with and I'm wondering if I tell them the wrong one if they'll make me leave. I tell them my school email, which turns out to be correct (thank goodness). Then he takes a terrible picture of me with a webcam (which I later realize will be sent to the school with my score report, thanks guys). He explains a bunch of rules to me, which I'm fairly certain are the same ones I read and agreed to earlier. Then they have me sign in on a sheet they've made just for me, and of course I sign in the wrong spot (ooops! I'm nervous, guys, sorry).

Then the girl takes me into the room with my four sheets of scratch paper and two pencils that they provide and my ID and locker key. She tells me to stand with my back to the wall while she puts the stuff at my station. I sit down and a little over two hours later, I finish. I sit there at the computer for awhile, wondering if I'm allowed to get up and leave or if I have to raise my hand to let them know, because this is the one thing they didn't tell me. Finally, I decide I'll just stand up and see if ninjas jump on me or something (they don't). Sign out, get my purse out of the locker, put the key on the desk (as I was instructed). And I was SO glad to leave!

I wonder if they were supposed to take a blood sample, too?

Good luck if you ever have to take the GRE,

Sharon