Rambling Thoughts on La La Land

*This is your one spoiler warning*

My friends and I just saw the movie La La Land. Literally, I just drove home from the theater and am putting my jumbled thoughts out into the world.

If you appreciate music, you will like this movie.
If you appreciate waltz and dancing and fun choreography (by none other than Mandy Moore - what?!), you will like this movie.
If you enjoy singing, you will like this movie.
If you enjoy the beginning part of a relationship, you will like this movie.
If you like happy endings, you may or may not like this movie.
If what I just said gives you pause, go see this movie anyway.
If you like piano, Emma Stone's big, beautiful eyes, and Ryan Gosling's je ne sais quoi, you will like this movie.

At the end of the movie, my friends and I watched the credits and listened to the beautiful music in silent awe. Our emotions had just been taken for a wild ride and we were taking a minute to process. It left me feeling a little raw and exposed. It resonated with me. It left us shocked.

La La Land did so well because I think it treats "La-la land" with a firm grip of reality. Having never been an aspiring actress or musician in Hollywood, I cannot say for sure, but I suspect it was accurate.

It showed the fears and pains and struggles of making it in Hollywood which, really, are the same as the struggles every one of us faces. And it treated them in an authentic way.

You followed the story of Mia and Sebastian as their lives intertwined, you fell in love with them, you sang with them, you danced with them. You routed for them and you invested in them. This was a couple that could make it work.

As someone once told me, "the beginning of any relationship is always fun." And we saw that, we were swept along with it. And then when they fought, we were a little shaken, but I think we thought Mia and Seb would make it through this.

But this movie also examines a difficult question: Is it possible to have both love and your dreams? The answer, a resounding no.

Mia puts on a one woman show which is underattended and Seb, Seb fails to make it on time. By the time he gets there, the show is over, Mia is leaving, stricken that no one came, that those who did had negative comments, and possibly most troubling to her that Seb wasn't there.

She leaves town, Seb is given the opportunity to win her back with a romantic gesture that involves an audition that might be Mia's big break. He takes her to the audition and afterward, Mia asks Seb, "where are we?" I think all relationships face this question at some point or another and the answer can make or break the relationship. Seb tells her that they will just have to wait and see; they tell each other that they will always love each other, and evidently, Mia does get the gig.

Ultimately, we find out that they both have achieved their respective dreams. And I think it was Mia almost walking out on her dream that shook Seb up and made him go grab his with both hands. Seeing someone you love give up or almost give up on their dream does that to you.

It is a moving movie because it treats life with honesty. We are swept away in the euphoria of a budding romance. We route for the characters, their relationship, and their dreams. But then it strips that away, it asks what we will do when things are not working out how we wanted them to. It shakes us awake and asks us what we will give up for our dream.

What will the cost of achieving our dream be? Will it be the love of our life? Or will being with the love of our live cause us to give up our dream?

Life doesn't have to be that stark, but it often is. And maybe, they weren't the love of each other's lives. It was obvious that Mia's dream was not to be married, but to be an actress and she got that. Seb wanted a club and he got that.

But I think the painful thing is that Seb may not have moved on even though Mia has. He names the club what Mia suggested and when he sees her there in the heartbreaking final scene of the movie, he plays their song.

He told her he would always love her and he meant it.

But maybe he loves her because she encouraged him to go after his dream. He saw her walking out on hers and forced her not to so then he had to do the same.

As we were leaving the theater, one of my friends said, "I can't even be happy about their success because they didn't end up together. She's not with the love of her life."

Mia's life was about acting; Seb's was about opening an amazing jazz club. They both inspired each other to go out and get their dreams. Isn't that all anyone can ask for?

This movie is about priorities, perception, dreams, fears, struggles. And it does have a happy ending, if not the one we so often expect. But neither does life.

In a way, this movie reminds me of Pygmalion. When he originally wrote the play, George Bernard Shaw discovered that people thought Eliza should end up with Prof. Higgins; this bothered him so much that he wrote an epilogue in which Eliza is married to Freddy. Henry Higgins was never the right man for Eliza to marry. He helped her to rise above her position and then they moved on from one another. Mia and Seb both helped each other rise from their position and achieve their dream. Maybe they were not the right person for the other to marry. But they were the person the other needed at that time in their life.

I know I'm rambling, but I'm trying to make sense of the way this movie shook up my insides. If nothing more, we should remember that happy endings don't always look the same. Emma Stone is my spirit animal, I want her wardrobe from this movie, and I want the soundtrack to the movie as well; Ryan Gosling is, as ever, a stud.


Go see the movie and let me know what you thought.

May the music stay with you,
Sharon

Love is . . .

Love is about as sure as a race horse.
The odds may be good
But there are no sure things.
You can't bet on any one horse and know it will win
You can't bet on any one relationship and know it will last.



I'm feeling a bit down today and I owe some poems for NaPoWriMo . . . this was inspired by my mood and the Kentucky Derby on Saturday (although Nyquist was the odds on winner; who did, in fact, win).

Engagement Season

Recently I heard a Kay Jewelers commercial that said it was "engagement season." I scoffed and said to my mother that I thought there was no particular engagement season; people just got engaged whenever the guy (or whoever is doing the proposing) feels its the correct time. She agreed with me.

But in the past month, two of my friends have gotten engaged, one friend got married, and my sister got married.

In June, one of my best friends got married.

Several girls in my sorority got engaged and married in the spring and over the summer.

So I don't really know if its "engagement season" or not, but I do know that I am at that age where it seems like everyone around me is getting engaged and married.

I'm happy for all of them, I am.

But it's hard.

It's hard not to see what they have and want it too. It's hard not to be a *little* bit jealous. It's hard not to feel a little inferior.

Now, dear reader, if you know exactly what I'm talking about, let me tell you, you are not inferior because you aren't getting engaged or married. There is nothing wrong with you because you aren't engaged. Wherever you are in your life, whatever you are doing right now, is exactly right for you.

I have a boyfriend who I would like to marry. I would really like him to get down on one knee with a ring and propose. But he hasn't. And that's okay. There is nothing wrong with me or with him or with us, just because we aren't engaged and planning a wedding.

I know that I tend to rush toward the next thing and not enjoy where I am. So maybe, I should just enjoy this time of being able to be my own person. Of only being responsible to myself, only having to cook for myself, clean up after myself, being able to watch whatever I want on tv, being able to write a blog post at midnight, and listen to whatever music I want however loud I want whenever I want.

That probably sounds a little selfish.

But I think before a person can be in a healthy relationship (or marriage), they must be confident of their self identity outside of a relationship. That is necessary for any person to be mentally healthy and fulfilled. And then they will be even better in a relationship.

I know its hard though. With all of these constant reminders: facebook posts, tweets, IG posts, pinterest pins, blogs, commercials, tv shows. American culture seems to put a HUGE emphasis on getting engaged and getting married.

But what we rarely say is that it is okay to be single or just dating someone. Your relationship is valid even if you don't have a big hunk of carbon on your finger. YOU are valid even if you aren't in a relationship.

I think timing is a huge thing. According to the Bible, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven..." (Ecclesiastes 3:1). So there is a time be single, dating, proposed to, engaged, married.

And if you aren't at the time as everyone around you, so what? Your clock is just a little different from theirs. Maybe their clock runs fast, maybe yours runs a little slow. Maybe they are in a different time zone than you. It really doesn't matter.

All that matters is you are where you are and it is the perfect place for right now. Don't rush it. Just enjoy it.

For what its worth, my boyfriend knows that I *really* wanna be engaged and sometimes he feels as though if a stranger were to propose to me, I would jump up and down and get excited and say yes. He sometimes feels that I just want the ring and the wedding and that I don't care who the other person is. He says I'm "ring hungry" (this phrase sounds like it would be on Urban Dictionary, but last I checked it wasn't. Weird, right?). I absolutely do care. But the fact that he ever thinks that tells me there is something not quite right with our relationship. It shows me that I need to be better at communicating just how important he is to me.

And when the time is right, it will be our turn to be engaged.

Don't be ring hungry,

Sharon

NaPoWriMo: Day 20, 19, 16

Today is a threebie because I missed yesterday and Friday and if I don't catch up now I'm never going to.


Day 20
Prompt - Things I know

I know you work two jobs
And school really stresses you out
Your family depends on you more than they should.
But I also know
That people in love are supposed to want to spend time together
Even if they are tired
Or too busy
Or barely keeping their head above water.

I know you think you love me
I know you once loved me
But I also know that you don't seem to love me anymore
I know you won't admit it to yourself
Because I know you still feel guilty about what you did to me
I know that you are trying to do right by me
But I think we are at the point where doing right by each other
Means letting go

But I also know you won't do that
I know its exhausting
This back and forth we have
But I know we haven't been okay in a long time
I know we are okay as friends
But I know you think you want more
But the second you try to put love into this equation,
It combusts.

I know we aren't doing this right,
But I know that I don't think we can.
I know we've put a lot of time into this
But I think we've been past the end for awhile now.

I know all of the reasons it won't work
I know you don't want to hear them.
But I'm starting to think its time:

I know we want different things
I know you want to spend the rest of your life here
But I know I want to spend my life by the sea
I want adventure
But you want to settle
I want to go to church
But you just plain don't
I want to go out
But you always want to stay in
I know that you believe that blood is thicker than water
(Even though you once told me that wasn't true)
But I know it by the way you act
I know your family will always come first -
Before me, even if I was family
Staying here means giving up my dreams
And I so want to chase them
I know that I can't stay here for the rest of my life and be happy
My soul and my tears and my sweat are seawater
My heart is there - on the beach,
which reminds me
I know I love the beach
I know it is your least favorite place.
I know my emotions are tumultuous
Like a sea: calm one moment and stormy the next,
But I know that isn't something wrong with me
I feel more than most people
I let my emotions get the best of me
I know that is too much for you to handle
I know that it is too difficult for you to understand
Sometimes it is for me too
But its me.
The person that you say you love.

I know that this must stab your heart like a knife
The truth often does
But I think it is time we wake up from this dream that refuses to work
Shake hands and follow our hearts
And then we can both be happy
Separate, but happy.


Day 19
Prompt: Landay

Don't bother coming over if you are just gonna work on homework and be on your phone
And don't try to make me feel bad about it the next day when you are misreading my tone.

Day 16
Prompt: Terzanelle

A You snubbed me so I painted my toes
B And so now we are playing the waiting game again
A You acted like it was no big deal so I changed my clothes


b You say you love me but you can't be bothered to be a good friend
C We've done this more than once before
B And so now we are playing the waiting game again

c You find it easy, my feelings to ignore
D When I start to leave, you say all the right things
C We've done this more than once before


d As you start talking, a warning bell rings
E You only try when I decide to leave
D That's when you say all the right things


e I only needed you to come help me grieve
F I really think it's time for me to bid adieu
E But you only try when I decide to leave


f You can't be bothered to ask a simple, "How are you?"
A You snubbed me so I painted my toes
F I really think it's time for me to bid adieu
A You acted like it was no big deal so I changed my clothes.


And with one fell swoop I am back on the bandwagon! I don't feel any better even though I've processed my raw, unhappy emotions though.... For the Terzanelle, I had trouble because once I got into one rhyming scheme my brain wanted to stick with it and I was like, "No, I only have 2 lines of -oes/ -ore / -ings." I made it through three poems! Huzzah! I'm just glad I got caught up! They are a little rough....Oh well, time to study for a test....

-Sharon

NaPoWriMo Day 14: Dialogue - Conversation Hearts

Last semester, I was feeling very burned out, so I took a spiral and found a quiet spot next to a bald cypress and a pond on campus. There were some ducks on the pond and that day I wrote a poem that was a conversation between myself and the duck, which would be perfect for today's prompt, unfortunately. I'm not entirely sure where that spiral is so I'm going to write a new dialogue poem today (but not between myself and a duck).

Conversation Hearts

Half of my heart
Says it wants to fall in love with someone new.

But the other half

Says it wants to fall in love with you

Why?

The feelings are stale

The butterflies,

The fireworks,

Aren't there.

Don't you want the excitement

Of someone new?

To fall in love again

To learn someone's 

Past

Present

Dreams

Again.

He is changing I see

And I think he is the right one for me

He is comfortable

Strong

He will keep me safe

New is uncertain

And opens me up to be broken

Why would you want to break again?

To have to put everything back together again?

Someone new could break you

It is true

But he could break you too.

You've got to take risks

If you want to find love

Whether someone new or old

You might get broken

The story is untold

But the facts are these:

He broke you before,

He can do it again.

Why give him a chance again?

You say those feelings of love

Are gone

And that is true

But that is because this is old love

Not new

The point of love is not to feel the

Butterflies and the fireworks

Its years in the future

When you are old

And your husband is there by your side

As you look back on your life

You may not feel the excitement

But that doesn't mean the love is faded

You are just jaded.

Jaded? Jaded?

I am not jaded!

It is you who was jaded these past years

Angry and so full of fears.

I am ready to move forward

And take a chance

But you only want to look back

I am looking back

Accepting the good with the bad

Do you not remember,

there was more good than bad?

I am simply unwilling to give up 

On what we had.

But I want to move forward

I am looking to the future

With an eye to the past.

We had a love that might last.

I want to try again

With him

With someone new

A heart divided cannot make up its mind.

Take a chance on love, old or new,

Sharon

NaPoWriMo Day 11 - Sapphic

Today's prompt is to write a poem in the form of a Sapphic. This is a poem of quatrains. Three of which have eleven syllables and the last has five. If that weren't difficult enough, it has a very specific meter associated with it....This one is going to take me awhile. Meter is always something I struggle with. I have a lot of trouble understanding stressed and unstressed syllables...The meter is a little bit forced in this poem so I have capitalized the syllables that are supposed to be stressed and inserted hyphens between syllables in one word. After working on it for awhile, here it is:

Sorr-y If this Comes as a Sur-prise To you
But i Just don't Feel how i Used to A-bout
You. i Still do Care a-bout You but I don't
            Feel the way I did

I want You to Un-der-stand I did Not mean
To stop Lov-ing You. i'm not Ev-en Sure when
My feel-Ings changed. I do still Care a-bout you.
             I was con-Fused too

I felt As though I were a-Wake-en-Ing from
A deep Sleep, re-Luc-tant-ly. Just the Way you
Try to Re-mem-Ber dreams, i Lost the Feel-ing
            Of be-ing In love

It was Not what I wanted At all But the
More i Tried to Find that place In my Heart the
Fur-ther It was, Just as i For-get My dreams
            As i a-Wake-en

Dear, do Not break Your own heart, I still Long to
Love you. Come here, Take my hand. I be-Lieve you
Still hold The key If you want To help Me fall
            For you once A-gain.

An odd feeling, but one I am feeling,

Sharon

NaPoWriMo Day 9

Sorry this is so late. Today has been a very busy day for me. I've had a lot on my mind. I'm not really feeling the prompt today. I couldn't come up with a concept I liked so I'm just going to write a random poem instead, inspired by my current mood at this very moment. Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me and right now, I am, unfortunately, in a low mood (but about 15 minutes ago, I was great...)



I see the things you think I don't
When you say one thing
But it's only a half truth
I know the things you think I don't
You think you are sly and cunning,
like a fox,
but you're not.
You're like a skunk,
Cute,
but,
I can
    see
and
    smell
and
     feel
everywhere you've been.
Your path so obvious to me
But you still think that I don't see.
I am shaking, mad, and sick
Why do you think you're so slick?
You complain about not having time
But then you go and waste it.
I won't save you anymore
That is what responsibility is for.
I'm not stupid
You aren't either
And maybe if you take responsibility
Instead of pawning it off on me,
maybe,
then, and only, then
there can be something more
but otherwise
I won't lie,
I've already got one foot out the door.

Not in a good mood, but I hope you are,

Sharon

NaPoWriMo - Day 4 - Loveless poem

Today's prompt is to write a "loveless poem" a love poem without the usual conventions and cliches of love poems and also without the word love....

It's the way your beard tickles my cheek
Your sandpaper hands enveloping mine
The fact that you're two sizes bigger than me
It's the way we sit in silence
How you hold me when I cry
Or when you make lunch for me
Without any reason why
It's the nights spent watching thunderstorms
The way you watch me when I tell stories
When you open the truck door for me
And go with me to the grocery store - so boring
It's the way you say my name
All of these things and more,
The ways I know that you're probably
        not the same.




I think I did okay...What do you think? Yes, no, maybe so?

I hope its beautiful wherever you are,

Sharon

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

In campus ministries we talk a lot about reaching those who don't know Christ and I know that is important and it is definitely a meaningful and worthwhile goal, but I think we are missing something here.

In our focus on those who don't know Christ we forget about those who do know Christ.

Just because someone believes in Christ doesn't mean they aren't lost...

...or wandering....

....or questioning....

....or feeling alone....

In college, we are surrounded by independence and freedom, we are surrounded by the secular. We are surrounded by Christians and non-Christians. And maybe in this tumultuous time, we get swept under, lost. And when we finally bob to the surface there isn't a Christian in sight.

Maybe like me, they are shy and introverted. I don't like to go to new places alone. It helps me to have someone with me or an invitation to go. I wouldn't have found Chi Alpha at Texas State if one of my (few) friends hadn't invited me to their BBQ at the beginning of my junior year.

It was a huge leap of faith for me to join Sigma Phi Lambda because I knew no one in it and I knew no one joining it, but I had been fighting the feeling that I should join it up until my junior year.

I'm so glad that I took those scary steps of faith to join those organizations because I have made amazing friends and I have learned wonderful things, I have so many people to go to for love and support and prayer in times of need.

But what if my friend hadn't invited me to the BBQ, what if I hadn't been courageous and joined Phi Lamb? I don't even want to imagine where I would be. But I will. I would be scared and alone ALL the time. I would be isolated and when things were difficult I would have no friends to turn to. I wouldn't have friends to speak God's truth into my life when I need it. I would be so ready to get out of here, but instead I am sad to go, because I have found such community here.

Being a Christian means being a part of community. But not all Christians will seek it out in college. So those of us who have found community need to seek out those isolated Christians, we need to befriend them, we need to show them that they are not alone and they never have to be alone.

In Luke 15, Jesus tells the parable of the lost sheep. A shepherd has 100 sheep, but one is missing, but that one is so important the he leaves the other 99 to find the 1 that is lost.

What do we know about that one sheep?

It was part of the flock,
         but now it isn't.
The shepherd knows it
         and he knows that it's missing.
The sheep may be in danger.
That one sheep is very valuable.

That one sheep is like Christians who haven't found a spot at college. They are lost, they are valuable, they are alone, they are separate, they may be in danger, and the Lord knows them. And he wants them to be a part of the community very much. It is not the responsibility of the sheep to find the flock, it is the responsibility of the shepherd to find the sheep. Though we are the sheep, we are also the hands and feet and mouth of Christ, therefore, we are the hands and feet and the mouth of the shepherd.

Therefore, it is our duty to find the lost or alone or separated Christians. It is our duty to reunite them with the body of believers.

 I believe that finding and reaching them is an achievable goal.

Twitter-zilla

Twitter. It can be a great social media device.

Or it can be a friendship destroying monster.

It all depends how you use it.

I tend to use it frequently with random content. From complaints about neighbors to buzzfeed quizzes to following bull riders to pictures of cute animals to venting about friends.

I've seen it before. A girl posts something nasty about a friend, the friend finds out, and then they aren't such good friends anymore.

You would think this cautionary tale would have stopped me from doing what I did. But it is like second nature to me. Something frustrating or annoying happened and so I pulled out my phone and tweeted it. It is so fast, so easy. And that's exactly the problem. In 140 characters or less, you may have just torn another person down. You don't have to think about it. You just type it in and press tweet and bam, it is out there for the world to see.

You might not have meant anything by it (I didn't). It might have been no big deal to you. You might have just been annoyed or frustrated and so you wanted to vent and so you did. It was easy. And now you just move on.

Or if you are like me, you probably tweeted ten (or more) things (or one really long thing that takes more than one tweet to explain) and then you moved on. You probably didn't think about it again (I didn't). You just moved on, relieved of your complaints; you vented, you drained, you released, you blew off steam. So you're fine.

But here's the thing: the internet doesn't know that. The person reading the tweet doesn't know that. The person reading the tweet, who the tweet is about, who you were certain would never read the tweet, doesn't know that you are completely fine, that it was no big deal, that everything is fine as far as you are concerned (that's another problem with social media, it's so self-centered).

But to them, their world is deflated. They think you hate them. They think you can't stand them. They are hurt.

You didn't mean anything by it.

But they are devastated.

And maybe they say something about it. And then you are taken aback. Then you scramble trying to figure out what to do. You say you were just venting. You look at your tweets (most of which you have completely forgotten about) and for the most part, you feel like they were fine, that there is no reason for the other person to be upset, but maybe there are one or two that you read and you cringe, you think "I really should not have said that." You know just how much it would have hurt if you had read that one particular tweet. And yeah, you can delete them so that no one will ever read those tweets again.

But it's too late.

The damage has already been done.

I don't really know what to do about that. I'm still in this whole process. But here is what I do know:

1. You have to be very careful what you post on social media.
You might think you know who will see it and read it. You might mean nothing by it. But in reality, you can't control what other people read or how they feel about what they read, so you need to be very mindful of what you post. It could definitely have negative repercussions. So THINK before you post.

2. Everyone needs to vent.
No one is happy with 100% of the people around them 100% of the time. And that is totally okay. But be careful how you vent. Write it in a journal. No one else will read this. It is a safe place for your thoughts. Or you could write it down, tear it up, and throw it away. I really, really don't see how that could go wrong. If you really need to tell someone, be selective about who you tell. Don't tell a mutual friend or the biggest gossip you know. Tell someone who will understand that this is just between the two of you and that things are fine between you and whoever you are venting about.

3. If you have been on the receiving end of this, I'm sorry.
Words can really hurt. But try to remember, more than likely things are okay. Everyone needs to vent. I'm sure you vent too. Maybe you are more tactful about it, but think of your parents, significant other, friends. Think of all the people who you love, who you care about the most. At some point or another, you have been mad/embarrassed/frustrated/annoyed with them, that's a normal part of relationships. And maybe you wrote something about them in a journal or on a blog or on twitter or maybe you told a good friend. Maybe you even told them something really hurtful to their face. You were venting. Everyone needs to vent. Not everyone deals with these sorts of things the same way and that's okay. You have been mad/frustrated/annoyed with someone that you could never imagine not being a part of your life. It doesn't mean that they dislike you, we all need to vent and it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad for the relationship.

Be careful with your words.

Live in harmony with each other. Don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all! - Romans 12:16 New Living Translation

Think before you post!

Sharon

Maintaining Relationships

Hi guys,

So I'm going to try something a little bit different. I made a video! It's on YouTube, but it's unlisted so you can only see it if you use this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLSIx7JR5MU&feature=youtu.be (hopefully it works). The link is hot, so you should just be able to click and go to YouTube, if not, try copying and pasting.

In this video I'm going to talk about maintaining relationships (all kinds of relationships, focusing on non-romantic relationships).

What I hope you'll get out of it is:

• Spend time with your friends
• Let them know they're important to you!
• It's okay to ask for their support (in fact, it's important)
• BUT be sure to be there for them too!

Plus you'll get to see what I look like, which might make this blog a bit more personal, I think?

Anyways, let me know what you think. Should I do more blogs this way? What would you like me to talk about? PLEASE give me feedback. I feel like I'm just talking to myself here.

This video is a bit long, it's around 11 minutes, but please stick it out, I think you kind of get to see my personality.

If you regularly read this blog (and even if you don't), PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE provide me some sort of feedback, I'm trying to do this for you!

Let me know what you think!

Be good to your friends,

Sharon

Courtship

Recently I've been thinking a lot about relationships. I'm surrounded by them. I know a lot of girls who are dating or are engaged. As I mentioned previously, my roommate recently started dating this guy. Since it's her first relationship, I've been trying to help her, and talking to her has brought up some really tough questions. Especially about boundaries.

A few days ago I finished reading this book called, "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris. You might be a little freaked out by the word 'courtship.' It might seem old fashioned or you might think of it as the weird dating thing the Duggars do where the parents go on all of the dates with their kids. But that isn't the idea of courtship in "Boy Meets Girl." It's a kind of radically different approach to dating or relationships or whatever you want to call it. What it boils down to is being intentional, protective, and guarding your hearts as you pursue a relationship with someone else. Maybe like me, you've heard of being intentional and guarding your hearts. And maybe like me, you weren't quite sure what that meant. After reading this book, I think being intentional just means approaching the relationship honestly and with the intention of answering the question, "should I marry this person?" That is what dating is about after all, finding a husband or a wife; a partner for life. Guarding your hearts (as I understood it) is about being honest with the person you are in a relationship with about where you see the relationship going, not sharing too much of yourself too soon (emotionally or physically).

Courtship is this radically different approach to dating that I think we desperately need today. People treat sex as nonchalant. But really if you have sex with someone without commitment and trust, you are hurting yourself. Sex cannot be casual because it involves all of you. But you can't just draw the line at sex. There are so many other things that require boundaries, and I think Joshua Harris does a good job addressing that in his book. He recognizes that what worked for him might not be right for everyone else, but he does point out that lust always wants more. It may start with an innocent kiss...but eventually that will not be enough anymore (for lust). You have to set boundaries before you get into those situations. So where do you draw the line in the sand? That really is up to you and I can't answer that question, but I'd highly recommend reading the chapter in the book titled "True Love Doesn't Just Wait." And let me tell you, I don't think there's anything wrong with kissing before marriage, but Joshua does have me rethinking that a little bit after reading that chapter. He explains boundaries way better than I ever could, so I urge you to go pick up a copy of his book.

Courtship is also about community. It is so important to get to know someone as a part of a community: around their friends, family, church, and so on. It is important to ask people that you trust to keep you accountable to your boundaries. It is important to allow the people around you to have a voice in your relationship: they may see something you don't see. They really do just want what is best for you. So don't ignore your friends or family if they tell you something that you don't want to hear. That is the most important time to listen to them.

To me, I think that before entering a time of courtship, it would be ideal to already have a foundation as friends. There is certainly a place for growing a friendship inside of courtship, but I honestly can't even imagine entering a courtship without knowing the guy as a friend first.

The last thing I want to say is that this book brought some things up inside of me. I realized that I want a relationship too much. Which is bad for me and unfair to anyone that I would date or even marry. I would have unrealistic expectations for the guy which would be frustrating for him; he would never be able to measure up because I would rely on him too much. So that is something that I will definitely have to work on. I have to pursue the Lord first, and any guy can come second. Even though I know this, I need to actively work on it. The other thing is that I have trouble accepting God's forgiveness for my past mistakes; I know that I have turned away from them, but I still feel the guilt from them, so I really need to try and look at myself through the Lord's eyes instead of my own.

I really hope you'll go out and read "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris, it might just change your mind about how to pursue a relationship.

Happy Courting!

Sharon 

Don't Be THAT Friend

So my roommate got a boyfriend. And I know I should be happy for her.

But the truth is, I'm not. Partially because I don't like him for her and partially because I'm jealous.

But I think the thing that bothers me the most is that it seems like she's gone all the time now. The day they decided they were dating she was gone for 5 hours. She randomly left for an hour when she had gotten someone to cover for her because she needed to work on something for her at school. She's been gone for about 4 hours as I'm writing this.

I know it's exciting and fun when you first start dating someone. But it is so important to retain your friends. Things may not work out, but your friends will be there for you. Or, maybe they won't if you completely alienate them to spend time with your boyfriend all the time. You need to be careful to not invest in a guy too much even if you are married to him. You need other relationships. And, if as soon as you start dating, you're a ghost, well that's a problem.

I've been there. I've been that girl. I had basically no friends because I spent all my time with my boyfriend or waiting for my boyfriend or whatever. A lot of girls do this. But what happened when he broke up with me? I was alone. I was devastated. I had no one to help me through it. I became depressed. It happens. Believe me.

So don't become a ghost just because you got a boyfriend. Make time for your friends. Make plans to go do stuff with them. And don't spend too much time with him. Retain your old interests. And don't feel like you need to involve him in all aspects of your life. You don't have to talk to him 24/7. You don't have to see him every day. You don't have to go on a date every week. It's okay to take it slow and not get too involved too fast.

But hey, what do I know? It's your life.

I'm just a little lonely.

And I don't wanna take care of her dog.

Stick around,

Sharon 

Failure

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because I'm struggling this semester. For the first time ever in my life, I am failing a class. It has me stressed out, confused, questioning my choices, depressed, terrified, and anxious. I've never failed a class before. NEVER.

I am a senior in college, wanting to graduate in May....FAILING a class required for my major.

A class REQUIRED to graduate.

How can this be?

I am struggling. I am being pulled under by a wave of emotions and confusion. I am overcome by a flood of thoughts.

I wish I had an easier major...

Maybe I should change my major....

Am I going to graduate....

What am I going to do...

I'm a failure...

I'm scared....

Why are these classes so hard....

What am I doing wrong....

Why can't I catch a break....

This isn't what I want to do with my life...

I'm not motivated....

It's a vicious cycle. I don't want to fail. But my lack of motivation this semester is what put me here. Then when I see a bad grade, the lack of motivation kicks in and makes me even less motivated. It's a negative feedback loop.

And frankly, nothing anyone is saying is helping.

I don't want to be told that I can do it.

I don't want to be told to go talk to the professor.

I don't want to be told that it's totally normal and everyone fails sometimes.

I don't want to be told that I have a plan should the worst happen (which it will, I've reached the point of no return, I am going to receive an F and I'm going to have to retake the class).

I want to be affirmed. Because I feel really lousy. I feel like a failure. I feel like failing defines me. I feel that I am a failure.

So if you are struggling, if you are failing at a job, a relationship, an assignment, a test, a class, or anything else, I am going to tell you what I wish someone would tell me.

Failing does not define you. Don't let failure bring you down and hurt you. Don't beat yourself up.

In the grand scheme of things, this failure DOES NOT MATTER.

You are inherently worthwhile. You are worth so much, and this struggle, this failure does not change that. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are worthy. You are intelligent. You are important.

I am proud of you.

I AM PROUD OF YOU.

Nothing will change that.

So don't let this failure define you. I am sorry that you are struggling, I am sorry that you are having a hard time, but everything will be okay. Just keep going no matter what struggles come your way.

And if you need to take a break, if you need to sit and cry and question life, I will sit with you. I will put my arm around your shoulder and sit with you silently in the pouring rain until you are ready to get up and get going again.

I don't have the answers. But I do know that the world is bigger than this. You are bigger than this.

It'll be okay,

Sharon

You're So Pretty, You Could Date Any Guy You Wanted To

Or, a Brief History of My "Romantic Interests."

First of all let me apologize if my last post was a bit heavy; but it was something that needs to be talked about.

Second of all let me preface this post by saying I'm really not sure where I'm going with it. And let me apologize because this post is a bit long.

What I want to talk about is the fact that throughout my entire life I've been told in some way or another "you're so pretty, you could date any guy you wanted to." Let me start by saying that is simply not true.

When I was little I remember men telling my father that my sisters and I were so pretty that he would have to beat boys away. When I was in the 5th grade, my brother's girlfriend (they were seniors in high school) told me that I was so pretty that I would have lots of guys asking me out in high school, my ex's (now ex) girlfriend told me that I was so pretty I could have any guy I wanted. I'm sure if I thought longer I could come up with more examples, but for now I'll just stick with these three.

I'm tired of being told this because, like I said, it simply isn't true.

In 22 years of life I have had 5 "romantic interests" (if you will). I am defining "romantic interest" as a guy who was interested in me, I was interested in him to some degree, and he asked me on a date or asked me to be his girlfriend. FIVE. You can count them on one hand or one foot, if you'd prefer. They are:

Guy A: Asked me to be his girlfriend, never went on an actual date during the time we were "dating", only talked on the phone, said I was too clingy, cut off the circulation in my fingers the one time we held hands, was only dating me because I was smart and he could use me for "help" on homework. Broke up with me in less than a month.

Guy B: Asked me to be his girlfriend after knowing me for a very brief period of time, was super clingy and didn't let me eat lunch (because he had his arms wrapped around me), talked on the phone, never went on an actual date. Broke up with me in a month or two. Went to his PROM together (he was a senior, I was a sophomore) as friends (it was awkward and he mostly danced with other girls). Still not sure why he dated me.

Guy C: Flirted with me at school. Tried to kiss me. Tricked me into kissing him at my friend's birthday party. Asked me to be his girlfriend. Broke up with me the next morning via text. He was using me to make a girl jealous (it worked, they are still dating).

Guy D: Flirted with me at school. Asked me out after a couple of months. Took me on a lot of dates. Bought me candy, hot chocolate, and food. Lent me his iPod. Started going to church with me. Kissed me (not a trick or forced, I actually wanted to). Dated for 2 years. Thought things were going well. Broke up with me. Started dating someone about a month later (they are no longer dating though). Still can't figure that one out.

Guy E: Worked at the same place. Gave me his number. Got to know each other better through texting. Asked me out through texting. Told me it wouldn't work over Facebook. This was over a period of about a month.

Guys A-C were all during my sophomore year of high school. I started dating Guy D my senior year of high school. And Guy E was this year (my senior year of college).

Maybe that seems like a lot of guys to you....but it doesn't to me. Especially when you consider that two of them were just using me. So as far as I'm concerned, guys have been few and far between. I certainly cannot date any guy that I want to.

So assuming that it's true that I'm as pretty as people think (I'm not so sure...really), guys base who they ask out on more than appearance and I am doing something wrong. First of all, kudos to guys for not being as shallow as y'all are portrayed in popular culture. Second of all, I really wish I knew what they based it on. I know that there is something to initial physical attraction, but beyond that I have no idea why guys ever ask anyone out. If any guy happens to be reading this, please oh please let me know! For the sake of myself and girls everywhere. We just don't get what we are doing wrong.

I don't know what it is, but I do know that a) you are beautiful whether guys ask you out or not, b) you are worth a ton whether guys ask you out or not, c) there is so much more to life than relationships, and d) please don't let relationships define you.

I'm not complaining that people (mostly girls) think I'm pretty, but those comments did give me some false expectations, and I'm not gonna lie, I have been a bit disappointed that I don't feel more desirable....but there are so many more important things!

Love,

Sharon

You're Great, But....

You're great, but....

We've all heard those words. And it really sucks, because what it boils down to is a guy or girl who you really thought you had a chance with is telling you why it just won't work. And it's so hard to hear, but it's really important that we don't just shut down and not listen. Any relationship or potential relationship is a learning experience. If the other person is being honest with you, what ever follows those three words is the lesson. What you can do better in the future...or maybe not.

Let's talk about that first, the "you're great, buts" that are beyond our control.

"You're great, but your family sucks." I've basically been told that. He didn't technically say they sucked, but he said he didn't like them and he couldn't put up with them. My family is important to me. I love them. They are the second gift that God ever gave to me (the first being the gift of my salvation). They are precious to me. They aren't going away. They are part of the deal. So for me, that relationship can and will never work out. I'm not choosing a man over my family, unless he IS my family (as in my husband), but my future husband would never make me leave my family. He might ask me to physically move away from them for a job, but he would never say "Listen, it's me or them." Do you get what I'm saying here? I hope so, because I'm having trouble explaining it.

"You're great, but there's someone else." That sucks, and if you've ever been told that, I am sorry. But the thing is, he obviously wasn't committed to you and where there is no commitment, there can be no real relationship.

I'm sure there are plenty of others, but I can't think of them. But the point is, when someone gives you the "You're great, but" talk, you need to ask yourself, "Is this beyond my control?" If the answer is yes, then there's nothing for you to do. The relationship is over. Go binge watch your favorite tv show, cry to friends, eat tons of ice cream, go for a drive, call out to God. Let the healing begin.

What I really want to talk about is when you ask yourself, "Is this beyond my control?" and the answer is, "No, actually, it's not beyond my control." That's when there's a lesson to be learned.

First let me say that I am not writing this for you to think if you fix whatever it is, he will see that and you can get back together and live happily ever after. I am writing this to help you learn from your (and my) mistakes so that you cannot make the same mistakes in future, new relationships. While it is possible that you could make a change and end up getting back together with this person, it is extremely unlikely.

Just yesterday I was told: "You're great, but when it comes to relationships you seem too clingy and eager."

And you know what?

He was absolutely, 100% right. I AM too clingy. I AM too eager.

The frustrating thing for me was this is a relationship that ended before it even started. I thought there could be something good there, but because I am too clingy and because I am too eager, the relationship came to a screeching halt before it even left the station. And maybe that's for the best. I really don't know. But my point here is that for the girls out there who like me are too clingy and too eager, it turns men around. They want to chase you and they don't want you to be too interested. I know it's frustrating and difficult, but it's true. So what can we clingy/eager girls do?

Well here's what I did. I looked inward. I said to myself, where does the clinginess and the eagerness come from? I looked inside. At first I thought it came from the part of me that gets excited easily. And I do think that's true. But I think that it's a deeper problem than that. There is nothing wrong with being excited, but there is something wrong with being clingy and with being too eager. So the easily excited thing, was not the root of the problem, I had to look deeper. So I dug a little deeper and I looked at my soul and I realized that my clinginess and eagerness for relationships with guys here on earth is kind of a sin, for me at least. And when the Holy Spirit laid that on me, I got a little scared. I wanted to slam the door shut on my soul and take off running, because being clingy and too eager is something I have always struggled with so if it's a sin, how am I supposed to deal with that?

First let me explain, WHY I see clinging and being eager toward guys here on earth as a sin. To me, a sin is anything that separates me from God. I have definitely let relationships get between me and God before, and this is where that comes from. If I am clinging to a guy, if I am really eager toward a guy, then how am I supposed to maintain my relationship with God?

I can't. I am putting the guy in the way. Which is only going to set both of us up for failure. I'll have really high expectations for the guy, that he will never meet. And then I will be upset and disappointed and eventually the relationship will end.

So the clinginess and eagerness, for me at least, is a real problem. It is definitely something I have to work on.

So what can I do?

That's a bit harder. The answer is easy, but putting it into action will be difficult. The answer is this: I have to be eager for God, I have to cling to God, I have to seek God above and beyond everything else.

So I do think that God is giving me the gift of singleness right now. And it's not at all the gift that I want, but it definitely is the gift I need. I have to be able to cling to God through everything and not get distracted by something shiny (or muscle-y). I have to work toward Him in everything I do, and one day, I might find God blessing me with the gift of not-singleness (usually referred to as the gift of marriage) and then me and my guy will continue to pursue God first, before each other, before our relationship. I hope I get that gift one day, but for now I need to be happy with the gifts God has already given me.

I realize that I already have the most important relationship of my life: my relationship with God. I need to start treating it that way. Anything else is only secondary.

Seek God First,

Sharon

Don't Put The Cart Before The Horse

This will be a very short post, because I don't have a whole lot to say and this is a very straightforward issue. But I think it is an important reminder, nonetheless.

Don't put the cart before the horse. Don't count your chickens before they've hatched. Don't get too carried away with your hopes and wants. Because, when you do, sometimes you will be disappointed and then the disappointment will be much, much worse.

You see, I was very excited to go on a first date with this guy and I was letting my imagination run away with me. It was running to a galaxy far, far away. And then, as things sometimes do, the date fell through. And then I was very,very very disappointed. Even more so than if I had remained calm and not put my cart miles ahead of my horse. I know its hard not to get carried away, but try to control yourself at least a little bit. I should note that we are trying to reschedule the date, so we'll see what happens.

I'm not saying not to hope. But I would encourage you to place your hopes in God and not worldly things, because God will not disappoint you. He is faithful beyond belief. I know these things and yet I have trouble actually doing them. But we all are just works in progress.

Don't get carried away,

Sharon