Love is . . .

Love is about as sure as a race horse.
The odds may be good
But there are no sure things.
You can't bet on any one horse and know it will win
You can't bet on any one relationship and know it will last.



I'm feeling a bit down today and I owe some poems for NaPoWriMo . . . this was inspired by my mood and the Kentucky Derby on Saturday (although Nyquist was the odds on winner; who did, in fact, win).

Engagement Season

Recently I heard a Kay Jewelers commercial that said it was "engagement season." I scoffed and said to my mother that I thought there was no particular engagement season; people just got engaged whenever the guy (or whoever is doing the proposing) feels its the correct time. She agreed with me.

But in the past month, two of my friends have gotten engaged, one friend got married, and my sister got married.

In June, one of my best friends got married.

Several girls in my sorority got engaged and married in the spring and over the summer.

So I don't really know if its "engagement season" or not, but I do know that I am at that age where it seems like everyone around me is getting engaged and married.

I'm happy for all of them, I am.

But it's hard.

It's hard not to see what they have and want it too. It's hard not to be a *little* bit jealous. It's hard not to feel a little inferior.

Now, dear reader, if you know exactly what I'm talking about, let me tell you, you are not inferior because you aren't getting engaged or married. There is nothing wrong with you because you aren't engaged. Wherever you are in your life, whatever you are doing right now, is exactly right for you.

I have a boyfriend who I would like to marry. I would really like him to get down on one knee with a ring and propose. But he hasn't. And that's okay. There is nothing wrong with me or with him or with us, just because we aren't engaged and planning a wedding.

I know that I tend to rush toward the next thing and not enjoy where I am. So maybe, I should just enjoy this time of being able to be my own person. Of only being responsible to myself, only having to cook for myself, clean up after myself, being able to watch whatever I want on tv, being able to write a blog post at midnight, and listen to whatever music I want however loud I want whenever I want.

That probably sounds a little selfish.

But I think before a person can be in a healthy relationship (or marriage), they must be confident of their self identity outside of a relationship. That is necessary for any person to be mentally healthy and fulfilled. And then they will be even better in a relationship.

I know its hard though. With all of these constant reminders: facebook posts, tweets, IG posts, pinterest pins, blogs, commercials, tv shows. American culture seems to put a HUGE emphasis on getting engaged and getting married.

But what we rarely say is that it is okay to be single or just dating someone. Your relationship is valid even if you don't have a big hunk of carbon on your finger. YOU are valid even if you aren't in a relationship.

I think timing is a huge thing. According to the Bible, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven..." (Ecclesiastes 3:1). So there is a time be single, dating, proposed to, engaged, married.

And if you aren't at the time as everyone around you, so what? Your clock is just a little different from theirs. Maybe their clock runs fast, maybe yours runs a little slow. Maybe they are in a different time zone than you. It really doesn't matter.

All that matters is you are where you are and it is the perfect place for right now. Don't rush it. Just enjoy it.

For what its worth, my boyfriend knows that I *really* wanna be engaged and sometimes he feels as though if a stranger were to propose to me, I would jump up and down and get excited and say yes. He sometimes feels that I just want the ring and the wedding and that I don't care who the other person is. He says I'm "ring hungry" (this phrase sounds like it would be on Urban Dictionary, but last I checked it wasn't. Weird, right?). I absolutely do care. But the fact that he ever thinks that tells me there is something not quite right with our relationship. It shows me that I need to be better at communicating just how important he is to me.

And when the time is right, it will be our turn to be engaged.

Don't be ring hungry,

Sharon

Dating Guidelines

So you're entering into a relationship with someone! That's exciting! Maybe you've dated before but you want to proceed in this relationship in a different way.  But do you know how to go about it? I know I'm currently single, but I have dated in the past, I have read books, I have talked to people. What follows is a list of guidelines that I think would be useful in dating, and if/when I date/court in the future, I plan to follow them.

1. Have Non-negotiables:
• Non-negotiables are deal-breakers. Reasons you won't date someone. Define them, know them, and stick to them. There's no point in defining them if you are just going to throw them out the window as soon as you meet someone.
• If you are a Christian, don't date non-Christians. I don't care if you prayed about it and you think God says it's okay. This is the test of all tests. This is the line of all lines. You can't have a Christ-centered relationship if the other person isn't Christian. You don't share the same values. If your faith is actually important to you, it will be a problem to be in a relationship with someone who isn't a Christian. This is Biblical. The Bible tells Christians to be set apart and not to marry non-Christians (this is two different verses). The Bible is the Word of God. If it so clearly tells us to specifically do something (or to not do something), we should probably listen.
• My two biggest non-negotiables are that I won't date someone who isn't a Christian and I won't date someone who smokes. I have other preferences, yes, but if you don't pass those two tests, I won't date you.
2. Set Boundaries
• These boundaries should define what sorts of interactions are or are not unacceptable. For instance, it might be a bad idea to be alone in private together. You may not want to spend time together late at night.
3. Make sure both of you are aware of the boundaries
• Boundaries are easier to stick to if you are on the same page.
4. Tell other people about your boundaries
• Tell the people you spend the most time with or talk to the most, tell the people you live with, tell your parents. They will be able to help you stick to your boundaries.
• Don't get mad when the people you have shared your boundaries with tell you that they think you aren't sticking to your boundaries.
5. Listen to your friends and family
• If they come to you with concerns about the relationship. Listen! Don't get mad, discount what they tell you, or make excuses. Often when we care about someone the chemicals which make us feel as though we are in love (oxytocin, serotonin, adrenaline, and some others) tend to make us perceive the world differently and can cause us to ignore our significant others' flaws which may be detrimental in the long run. What I'm saying is your family and friends may be aware of things that you are completely unaware of.
• In fact, it would probably be a good idea to ask friends and family members what they think, especially people who know you well and who you trust.
6. Don't have sex
• When we have sex, our bodies produce the hormone vasopressin which, among other things, helps to develop a pair bond. It may cause a relationship that should've ended quickly to last awhile. And when you do break up, it will cause extreme pain when that pair bond is broken. It is in your best interests not to have sex.
7. Hang out with your friends
• Should the relationship not work out, it is important to still be close to your friends so that you can have support during this difficult time. And if the relationship is successful, you won't have to search out people to be in your wedding.
8. Don't lose yourself in the relationship
• It is okay to take interest in the things he is interested in, but he should take interest in the things that you are interested in.
• It is also important to be able to do things separately, sometimes we just need some time apart.
• Keep pursuing your interests throughout the relationship. You shouldn't have to give up an interest or a hobby to keep the relationship. He should respect that it is a part of who you are, he doesn't have to take up your hobbies, but he shouldn't prevent you from doing them.
• This is another thing that will help should the relationship end, you won't have to figure out who you used to be before the relationship and it will help you to be able to do things that you enjoy.
• In fact, my mother once recommended that I make a list of things that I enjoy doing and do them throughout the course of any relationship and I think this is a very good idea. 

Remember there's more to life than relationships, but if you are pursuing one or want to pursue one, be smart about it!

Also, you might want to check out my post on Courtship.

Happy Dating!

Sharon

Courtship

Recently I've been thinking a lot about relationships. I'm surrounded by them. I know a lot of girls who are dating or are engaged. As I mentioned previously, my roommate recently started dating this guy. Since it's her first relationship, I've been trying to help her, and talking to her has brought up some really tough questions. Especially about boundaries.

A few days ago I finished reading this book called, "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris. You might be a little freaked out by the word 'courtship.' It might seem old fashioned or you might think of it as the weird dating thing the Duggars do where the parents go on all of the dates with their kids. But that isn't the idea of courtship in "Boy Meets Girl." It's a kind of radically different approach to dating or relationships or whatever you want to call it. What it boils down to is being intentional, protective, and guarding your hearts as you pursue a relationship with someone else. Maybe like me, you've heard of being intentional and guarding your hearts. And maybe like me, you weren't quite sure what that meant. After reading this book, I think being intentional just means approaching the relationship honestly and with the intention of answering the question, "should I marry this person?" That is what dating is about after all, finding a husband or a wife; a partner for life. Guarding your hearts (as I understood it) is about being honest with the person you are in a relationship with about where you see the relationship going, not sharing too much of yourself too soon (emotionally or physically).

Courtship is this radically different approach to dating that I think we desperately need today. People treat sex as nonchalant. But really if you have sex with someone without commitment and trust, you are hurting yourself. Sex cannot be casual because it involves all of you. But you can't just draw the line at sex. There are so many other things that require boundaries, and I think Joshua Harris does a good job addressing that in his book. He recognizes that what worked for him might not be right for everyone else, but he does point out that lust always wants more. It may start with an innocent kiss...but eventually that will not be enough anymore (for lust). You have to set boundaries before you get into those situations. So where do you draw the line in the sand? That really is up to you and I can't answer that question, but I'd highly recommend reading the chapter in the book titled "True Love Doesn't Just Wait." And let me tell you, I don't think there's anything wrong with kissing before marriage, but Joshua does have me rethinking that a little bit after reading that chapter. He explains boundaries way better than I ever could, so I urge you to go pick up a copy of his book.

Courtship is also about community. It is so important to get to know someone as a part of a community: around their friends, family, church, and so on. It is important to ask people that you trust to keep you accountable to your boundaries. It is important to allow the people around you to have a voice in your relationship: they may see something you don't see. They really do just want what is best for you. So don't ignore your friends or family if they tell you something that you don't want to hear. That is the most important time to listen to them.

To me, I think that before entering a time of courtship, it would be ideal to already have a foundation as friends. There is certainly a place for growing a friendship inside of courtship, but I honestly can't even imagine entering a courtship without knowing the guy as a friend first.

The last thing I want to say is that this book brought some things up inside of me. I realized that I want a relationship too much. Which is bad for me and unfair to anyone that I would date or even marry. I would have unrealistic expectations for the guy which would be frustrating for him; he would never be able to measure up because I would rely on him too much. So that is something that I will definitely have to work on. I have to pursue the Lord first, and any guy can come second. Even though I know this, I need to actively work on it. The other thing is that I have trouble accepting God's forgiveness for my past mistakes; I know that I have turned away from them, but I still feel the guilt from them, so I really need to try and look at myself through the Lord's eyes instead of my own.

I really hope you'll go out and read "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris, it might just change your mind about how to pursue a relationship.

Happy Courting!

Sharon 

Don't Be THAT Friend

So my roommate got a boyfriend. And I know I should be happy for her.

But the truth is, I'm not. Partially because I don't like him for her and partially because I'm jealous.

But I think the thing that bothers me the most is that it seems like she's gone all the time now. The day they decided they were dating she was gone for 5 hours. She randomly left for an hour when she had gotten someone to cover for her because she needed to work on something for her at school. She's been gone for about 4 hours as I'm writing this.

I know it's exciting and fun when you first start dating someone. But it is so important to retain your friends. Things may not work out, but your friends will be there for you. Or, maybe they won't if you completely alienate them to spend time with your boyfriend all the time. You need to be careful to not invest in a guy too much even if you are married to him. You need other relationships. And, if as soon as you start dating, you're a ghost, well that's a problem.

I've been there. I've been that girl. I had basically no friends because I spent all my time with my boyfriend or waiting for my boyfriend or whatever. A lot of girls do this. But what happened when he broke up with me? I was alone. I was devastated. I had no one to help me through it. I became depressed. It happens. Believe me.

So don't become a ghost just because you got a boyfriend. Make time for your friends. Make plans to go do stuff with them. And don't spend too much time with him. Retain your old interests. And don't feel like you need to involve him in all aspects of your life. You don't have to talk to him 24/7. You don't have to see him every day. You don't have to go on a date every week. It's okay to take it slow and not get too involved too fast.

But hey, what do I know? It's your life.

I'm just a little lonely.

And I don't wanna take care of her dog.

Stick around,

Sharon 

You're So Pretty, You Could Date Any Guy You Wanted To

Or, a Brief History of My "Romantic Interests."

First of all let me apologize if my last post was a bit heavy; but it was something that needs to be talked about.

Second of all let me preface this post by saying I'm really not sure where I'm going with it. And let me apologize because this post is a bit long.

What I want to talk about is the fact that throughout my entire life I've been told in some way or another "you're so pretty, you could date any guy you wanted to." Let me start by saying that is simply not true.

When I was little I remember men telling my father that my sisters and I were so pretty that he would have to beat boys away. When I was in the 5th grade, my brother's girlfriend (they were seniors in high school) told me that I was so pretty that I would have lots of guys asking me out in high school, my ex's (now ex) girlfriend told me that I was so pretty I could have any guy I wanted. I'm sure if I thought longer I could come up with more examples, but for now I'll just stick with these three.

I'm tired of being told this because, like I said, it simply isn't true.

In 22 years of life I have had 5 "romantic interests" (if you will). I am defining "romantic interest" as a guy who was interested in me, I was interested in him to some degree, and he asked me on a date or asked me to be his girlfriend. FIVE. You can count them on one hand or one foot, if you'd prefer. They are:

Guy A: Asked me to be his girlfriend, never went on an actual date during the time we were "dating", only talked on the phone, said I was too clingy, cut off the circulation in my fingers the one time we held hands, was only dating me because I was smart and he could use me for "help" on homework. Broke up with me in less than a month.

Guy B: Asked me to be his girlfriend after knowing me for a very brief period of time, was super clingy and didn't let me eat lunch (because he had his arms wrapped around me), talked on the phone, never went on an actual date. Broke up with me in a month or two. Went to his PROM together (he was a senior, I was a sophomore) as friends (it was awkward and he mostly danced with other girls). Still not sure why he dated me.

Guy C: Flirted with me at school. Tried to kiss me. Tricked me into kissing him at my friend's birthday party. Asked me to be his girlfriend. Broke up with me the next morning via text. He was using me to make a girl jealous (it worked, they are still dating).

Guy D: Flirted with me at school. Asked me out after a couple of months. Took me on a lot of dates. Bought me candy, hot chocolate, and food. Lent me his iPod. Started going to church with me. Kissed me (not a trick or forced, I actually wanted to). Dated for 2 years. Thought things were going well. Broke up with me. Started dating someone about a month later (they are no longer dating though). Still can't figure that one out.

Guy E: Worked at the same place. Gave me his number. Got to know each other better through texting. Asked me out through texting. Told me it wouldn't work over Facebook. This was over a period of about a month.

Guys A-C were all during my sophomore year of high school. I started dating Guy D my senior year of high school. And Guy E was this year (my senior year of college).

Maybe that seems like a lot of guys to you....but it doesn't to me. Especially when you consider that two of them were just using me. So as far as I'm concerned, guys have been few and far between. I certainly cannot date any guy that I want to.

So assuming that it's true that I'm as pretty as people think (I'm not so sure...really), guys base who they ask out on more than appearance and I am doing something wrong. First of all, kudos to guys for not being as shallow as y'all are portrayed in popular culture. Second of all, I really wish I knew what they based it on. I know that there is something to initial physical attraction, but beyond that I have no idea why guys ever ask anyone out. If any guy happens to be reading this, please oh please let me know! For the sake of myself and girls everywhere. We just don't get what we are doing wrong.

I don't know what it is, but I do know that a) you are beautiful whether guys ask you out or not, b) you are worth a ton whether guys ask you out or not, c) there is so much more to life than relationships, and d) please don't let relationships define you.

I'm not complaining that people (mostly girls) think I'm pretty, but those comments did give me some false expectations, and I'm not gonna lie, I have been a bit disappointed that I don't feel more desirable....but there are so many more important things!

Love,

Sharon

You're Great, But....

You're great, but....

We've all heard those words. And it really sucks, because what it boils down to is a guy or girl who you really thought you had a chance with is telling you why it just won't work. And it's so hard to hear, but it's really important that we don't just shut down and not listen. Any relationship or potential relationship is a learning experience. If the other person is being honest with you, what ever follows those three words is the lesson. What you can do better in the future...or maybe not.

Let's talk about that first, the "you're great, buts" that are beyond our control.

"You're great, but your family sucks." I've basically been told that. He didn't technically say they sucked, but he said he didn't like them and he couldn't put up with them. My family is important to me. I love them. They are the second gift that God ever gave to me (the first being the gift of my salvation). They are precious to me. They aren't going away. They are part of the deal. So for me, that relationship can and will never work out. I'm not choosing a man over my family, unless he IS my family (as in my husband), but my future husband would never make me leave my family. He might ask me to physically move away from them for a job, but he would never say "Listen, it's me or them." Do you get what I'm saying here? I hope so, because I'm having trouble explaining it.

"You're great, but there's someone else." That sucks, and if you've ever been told that, I am sorry. But the thing is, he obviously wasn't committed to you and where there is no commitment, there can be no real relationship.

I'm sure there are plenty of others, but I can't think of them. But the point is, when someone gives you the "You're great, but" talk, you need to ask yourself, "Is this beyond my control?" If the answer is yes, then there's nothing for you to do. The relationship is over. Go binge watch your favorite tv show, cry to friends, eat tons of ice cream, go for a drive, call out to God. Let the healing begin.

What I really want to talk about is when you ask yourself, "Is this beyond my control?" and the answer is, "No, actually, it's not beyond my control." That's when there's a lesson to be learned.

First let me say that I am not writing this for you to think if you fix whatever it is, he will see that and you can get back together and live happily ever after. I am writing this to help you learn from your (and my) mistakes so that you cannot make the same mistakes in future, new relationships. While it is possible that you could make a change and end up getting back together with this person, it is extremely unlikely.

Just yesterday I was told: "You're great, but when it comes to relationships you seem too clingy and eager."

And you know what?

He was absolutely, 100% right. I AM too clingy. I AM too eager.

The frustrating thing for me was this is a relationship that ended before it even started. I thought there could be something good there, but because I am too clingy and because I am too eager, the relationship came to a screeching halt before it even left the station. And maybe that's for the best. I really don't know. But my point here is that for the girls out there who like me are too clingy and too eager, it turns men around. They want to chase you and they don't want you to be too interested. I know it's frustrating and difficult, but it's true. So what can we clingy/eager girls do?

Well here's what I did. I looked inward. I said to myself, where does the clinginess and the eagerness come from? I looked inside. At first I thought it came from the part of me that gets excited easily. And I do think that's true. But I think that it's a deeper problem than that. There is nothing wrong with being excited, but there is something wrong with being clingy and with being too eager. So the easily excited thing, was not the root of the problem, I had to look deeper. So I dug a little deeper and I looked at my soul and I realized that my clinginess and eagerness for relationships with guys here on earth is kind of a sin, for me at least. And when the Holy Spirit laid that on me, I got a little scared. I wanted to slam the door shut on my soul and take off running, because being clingy and too eager is something I have always struggled with so if it's a sin, how am I supposed to deal with that?

First let me explain, WHY I see clinging and being eager toward guys here on earth as a sin. To me, a sin is anything that separates me from God. I have definitely let relationships get between me and God before, and this is where that comes from. If I am clinging to a guy, if I am really eager toward a guy, then how am I supposed to maintain my relationship with God?

I can't. I am putting the guy in the way. Which is only going to set both of us up for failure. I'll have really high expectations for the guy, that he will never meet. And then I will be upset and disappointed and eventually the relationship will end.

So the clinginess and eagerness, for me at least, is a real problem. It is definitely something I have to work on.

So what can I do?

That's a bit harder. The answer is easy, but putting it into action will be difficult. The answer is this: I have to be eager for God, I have to cling to God, I have to seek God above and beyond everything else.

So I do think that God is giving me the gift of singleness right now. And it's not at all the gift that I want, but it definitely is the gift I need. I have to be able to cling to God through everything and not get distracted by something shiny (or muscle-y). I have to work toward Him in everything I do, and one day, I might find God blessing me with the gift of not-singleness (usually referred to as the gift of marriage) and then me and my guy will continue to pursue God first, before each other, before our relationship. I hope I get that gift one day, but for now I need to be happy with the gifts God has already given me.

I realize that I already have the most important relationship of my life: my relationship with God. I need to start treating it that way. Anything else is only secondary.

Seek God First,

Sharon