Rambling Thoughts on La La Land

*This is your one spoiler warning*

My friends and I just saw the movie La La Land. Literally, I just drove home from the theater and am putting my jumbled thoughts out into the world.

If you appreciate music, you will like this movie.
If you appreciate waltz and dancing and fun choreography (by none other than Mandy Moore - what?!), you will like this movie.
If you enjoy singing, you will like this movie.
If you enjoy the beginning part of a relationship, you will like this movie.
If you like happy endings, you may or may not like this movie.
If what I just said gives you pause, go see this movie anyway.
If you like piano, Emma Stone's big, beautiful eyes, and Ryan Gosling's je ne sais quoi, you will like this movie.

At the end of the movie, my friends and I watched the credits and listened to the beautiful music in silent awe. Our emotions had just been taken for a wild ride and we were taking a minute to process. It left me feeling a little raw and exposed. It resonated with me. It left us shocked.

La La Land did so well because I think it treats "La-la land" with a firm grip of reality. Having never been an aspiring actress or musician in Hollywood, I cannot say for sure, but I suspect it was accurate.

It showed the fears and pains and struggles of making it in Hollywood which, really, are the same as the struggles every one of us faces. And it treated them in an authentic way.

You followed the story of Mia and Sebastian as their lives intertwined, you fell in love with them, you sang with them, you danced with them. You routed for them and you invested in them. This was a couple that could make it work.

As someone once told me, "the beginning of any relationship is always fun." And we saw that, we were swept along with it. And then when they fought, we were a little shaken, but I think we thought Mia and Seb would make it through this.

But this movie also examines a difficult question: Is it possible to have both love and your dreams? The answer, a resounding no.

Mia puts on a one woman show which is underattended and Seb, Seb fails to make it on time. By the time he gets there, the show is over, Mia is leaving, stricken that no one came, that those who did had negative comments, and possibly most troubling to her that Seb wasn't there.

She leaves town, Seb is given the opportunity to win her back with a romantic gesture that involves an audition that might be Mia's big break. He takes her to the audition and afterward, Mia asks Seb, "where are we?" I think all relationships face this question at some point or another and the answer can make or break the relationship. Seb tells her that they will just have to wait and see; they tell each other that they will always love each other, and evidently, Mia does get the gig.

Ultimately, we find out that they both have achieved their respective dreams. And I think it was Mia almost walking out on her dream that shook Seb up and made him go grab his with both hands. Seeing someone you love give up or almost give up on their dream does that to you.

It is a moving movie because it treats life with honesty. We are swept away in the euphoria of a budding romance. We route for the characters, their relationship, and their dreams. But then it strips that away, it asks what we will do when things are not working out how we wanted them to. It shakes us awake and asks us what we will give up for our dream.

What will the cost of achieving our dream be? Will it be the love of our life? Or will being with the love of our live cause us to give up our dream?

Life doesn't have to be that stark, but it often is. And maybe, they weren't the love of each other's lives. It was obvious that Mia's dream was not to be married, but to be an actress and she got that. Seb wanted a club and he got that.

But I think the painful thing is that Seb may not have moved on even though Mia has. He names the club what Mia suggested and when he sees her there in the heartbreaking final scene of the movie, he plays their song.

He told her he would always love her and he meant it.

But maybe he loves her because she encouraged him to go after his dream. He saw her walking out on hers and forced her not to so then he had to do the same.

As we were leaving the theater, one of my friends said, "I can't even be happy about their success because they didn't end up together. She's not with the love of her life."

Mia's life was about acting; Seb's was about opening an amazing jazz club. They both inspired each other to go out and get their dreams. Isn't that all anyone can ask for?

This movie is about priorities, perception, dreams, fears, struggles. And it does have a happy ending, if not the one we so often expect. But neither does life.

In a way, this movie reminds me of Pygmalion. When he originally wrote the play, George Bernard Shaw discovered that people thought Eliza should end up with Prof. Higgins; this bothered him so much that he wrote an epilogue in which Eliza is married to Freddy. Henry Higgins was never the right man for Eliza to marry. He helped her to rise above her position and then they moved on from one another. Mia and Seb both helped each other rise from their position and achieve their dream. Maybe they were not the right person for the other to marry. But they were the person the other needed at that time in their life.

I know I'm rambling, but I'm trying to make sense of the way this movie shook up my insides. If nothing more, we should remember that happy endings don't always look the same. Emma Stone is my spirit animal, I want her wardrobe from this movie, and I want the soundtrack to the movie as well; Ryan Gosling is, as ever, a stud.


Go see the movie and let me know what you thought.

May the music stay with you,
Sharon

PUPPY!!!

As I've previously mentioned, I'm in that time of life where everyone is hitting their big life milestones: graduations, engagements, weddings, babies. And as I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm trying to be happy in my current situation and just enjoy where I am in life.

Well, on Saturday, I had a big life milestone! For the first time since the 3rd grade, I have a dog! A beautiful, fuzzy, sweet, rambunctious ball of fur. Yes, he is absolutely, undeniably my "furbaby." He is a beautiful ten week old, cocker spaniel and I have named him Westley (like from the Princess Bride). Immediately I have become one of those owners who is constantly posting pictures of him on facebook and instagram.

I was worried about how he would transition, but he seems to be transitioning quite well. He does seem to have some separation anxiety which is going to be a challenge, but I'm hoping that he will realize that I always when I come back when I leave. If he doesn't seem to figure that out, I'll look solutions.

We are working on the housebreaking thing. We've developed a sort of rhythm and he has already caught on that he is expected to go potty outside. Of course, his body is small so if I don't get him out in time, he has an accident on the floor. I don't get mad, because it's my fault more than his. I try to stop him and rush him outside so he can finish outdoors.

He is a little mouthy. I've been trying to address this by replacing whatever he is chewing on (me, my shoes, something of mine, etc.) with something that is acceptable to chew on. And it does seem to be helping. I will have to take a stronger approach for when he is mouthy toward me though, because I do not want him to become a biter.

He is already walking on the leash quite well! Though he does bite at it sometimes. And if he decides he doesn't like where I'm headed, he'll sit down and pull back on his leash. I just stand and ignore him til he decides to come walk with me and then I give him lots of praise.

I also discovered that he has a natural instinct to fetch! We will have to work hard to maintain this, though. Sometimes he decides he doesn't want to go get the toy I've thrown or he decides to go get it and stop and chew it half way back to me.

He's also getting very socialized with humans. He is very happy to meet everyone. He gets excited and barks and shakes his little, docked tail (I wish it wasn't docked, but it is the breed standard so it is difficult to find a cocker with in intact tail). He is absolutely sweet and loves people. He believes everyone is his friend. And a lot of people get excited and want to meet him and talk to him when they see him. And who could blame them? He's adorable! I look forward to when all of his puppy shots are complete so I can take him to the dog park and to meet the four legged friends of my family and friends.

Unfortunately, since he is not housetrained and I have to go to class and work tomorrow, I had to get him a crate. I bought one this evening from PetsMart and put his bed and a soft toy in there, then when he was asleep, I carefully placed him in there. I left the door opened and stayed in the room so that he would feel secure when he woke up. He stayed in there for awhile, but eventually he woke up, exited the crate, and has now fallen asleep on the floor. I hope I am able to get him used to it without too much upset. I really do hate crates.

As I mentioned above, once he has had all of his puppy shots, I am looking forward to taking him to the dog park. There is one dog park in town and in addition to being popular with dog owners, I've heard it has some agility training equipment and I'd love to train him.

But for the time being, my heart is full and completely happy in the stage of puppyhood he is in. He is perfect and I love him. Because of him, I know that love at first sight is a thing (but maybe not really with people).

Woof, woof!

Sharon (& Westley)

Engagement Season

Recently I heard a Kay Jewelers commercial that said it was "engagement season." I scoffed and said to my mother that I thought there was no particular engagement season; people just got engaged whenever the guy (or whoever is doing the proposing) feels its the correct time. She agreed with me.

But in the past month, two of my friends have gotten engaged, one friend got married, and my sister got married.

In June, one of my best friends got married.

Several girls in my sorority got engaged and married in the spring and over the summer.

So I don't really know if its "engagement season" or not, but I do know that I am at that age where it seems like everyone around me is getting engaged and married.

I'm happy for all of them, I am.

But it's hard.

It's hard not to see what they have and want it too. It's hard not to be a *little* bit jealous. It's hard not to feel a little inferior.

Now, dear reader, if you know exactly what I'm talking about, let me tell you, you are not inferior because you aren't getting engaged or married. There is nothing wrong with you because you aren't engaged. Wherever you are in your life, whatever you are doing right now, is exactly right for you.

I have a boyfriend who I would like to marry. I would really like him to get down on one knee with a ring and propose. But he hasn't. And that's okay. There is nothing wrong with me or with him or with us, just because we aren't engaged and planning a wedding.

I know that I tend to rush toward the next thing and not enjoy where I am. So maybe, I should just enjoy this time of being able to be my own person. Of only being responsible to myself, only having to cook for myself, clean up after myself, being able to watch whatever I want on tv, being able to write a blog post at midnight, and listen to whatever music I want however loud I want whenever I want.

That probably sounds a little selfish.

But I think before a person can be in a healthy relationship (or marriage), they must be confident of their self identity outside of a relationship. That is necessary for any person to be mentally healthy and fulfilled. And then they will be even better in a relationship.

I know its hard though. With all of these constant reminders: facebook posts, tweets, IG posts, pinterest pins, blogs, commercials, tv shows. American culture seems to put a HUGE emphasis on getting engaged and getting married.

But what we rarely say is that it is okay to be single or just dating someone. Your relationship is valid even if you don't have a big hunk of carbon on your finger. YOU are valid even if you aren't in a relationship.

I think timing is a huge thing. According to the Bible, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven..." (Ecclesiastes 3:1). So there is a time be single, dating, proposed to, engaged, married.

And if you aren't at the time as everyone around you, so what? Your clock is just a little different from theirs. Maybe their clock runs fast, maybe yours runs a little slow. Maybe they are in a different time zone than you. It really doesn't matter.

All that matters is you are where you are and it is the perfect place for right now. Don't rush it. Just enjoy it.

For what its worth, my boyfriend knows that I *really* wanna be engaged and sometimes he feels as though if a stranger were to propose to me, I would jump up and down and get excited and say yes. He sometimes feels that I just want the ring and the wedding and that I don't care who the other person is. He says I'm "ring hungry" (this phrase sounds like it would be on Urban Dictionary, but last I checked it wasn't. Weird, right?). I absolutely do care. But the fact that he ever thinks that tells me there is something not quite right with our relationship. It shows me that I need to be better at communicating just how important he is to me.

And when the time is right, it will be our turn to be engaged.

Don't be ring hungry,

Sharon

Money, Money, Money: It's a Rich Man's World

Let me first apologize for not posting for about a month. I have been busy getting into the swing of grad school, a new job, things related to my sister's wedding, and have barely had any time to even think about posting a blog. I'm trying, I really am, but maybe there's no point in posting something when you don't have anything to say.

Right now I actually do have something to say. Let me warn you that this is a long post, but I hope that you'll stick it out til the end.

A few nights ago, I went to the grocery store and spent $115 which is A) the most I've ever spent at the grocery store B) more than I make in a week and C) about 20% of my rent. I pretended it was no big deal externally, while having a minor conniption internally, but I somehow calmed myself down. I exited the store, found my car, and loaded up my groceries. As I was putting the last few bags in my car I heard a quiet voice say, "Excuse me, ma'am?" I turned toward the man, "Could you help me buy a McDonald's sandwich?" I turned to my purse and dug around for my wallet; when I found it and was looking to see what I had, he was saying, "I've already got a little bit, if you could just give me like $0.27?" I handed him a $5. "God bless you." He said, I murmured something and he got onto his bike and rode away. He was missing teeth and looked a little bit dirty, but really not too bad.

On the drive home, I reflected on what I had done. Had I done the right thing? Was he really going to buy food? After awhile, I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter what he did with the money. I hoped he would use it for food, but I had done my part and could only hope for the best for this man who had approached me in the Randall's parking lot.

Back at my apartment, I plugged my phone in and set it on the arm of the couch while I cooked my supper. It slid off the arm and hit the floor. When I finally went over to it, I discovered the screen had shattered, though it still worked. I was frustrated and mentally began comparing myself to Job.

You know Job don't you? Job is the man in the Bible who is the subject of the devil's experiment. According to the story, God allows the devil to take everything away from Job. The devil thinks that Job will turn against God. God knows that Job won't. Jobs children and wife die, his home is destroyed, and I don't remember what else he loses, but its pretty bad.

And I had the audacity to compare myself to Job?

I wasn't mad at God. But I was a little frustrated. I had just given money to a man to help him buy dinner even though I am in debt and had just spent a ridiculous sum at the grocery store. Why were all of these bad things happening to me?

God doesn't work that way, though. The world doesn't work that way. Karma is not a thing. It seems like if you do good things, good things should happen to you, but that isn't true. In the New Testament, in the story of the rich young ruler (Mark 10:17-31), the apostles are concerned because they have given up everything to follow Jesus. They ask him if they will be rewarded and he tells them on earth: maybe; in heaven: definitely (Mark 10: 28-31). We have to remember that, as Christians, our reward is not of this earth, it is in heaven.

But that isn't my point.

The next afternoon I went to AT&T to get a new cell phone, thinking that I would be able to just get a free upgrade since I had had that phone for like four years. But AT&T basically doesn't do that anymore. Would nothing go my way? So after a long phone call with my dad, I got the least expensive phone available with AT&T Next (which I really did not want to sign up for, but I did because supposedly it was the most cost effective option). A low amount would be added to my family's monthly bill and I paid the tax in store. I was honestly worried that my card would be declined for the tax because of my expensive groceries the night before.

That night, I had insomnia, as I often do. That particular night, I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of all of my financial burdens: rent, food, loans, interest on said loans, gas. And I was incredibly stressed. I began a mental downward spiral. I second guessed my decision to get a new cell phone. I second guessed my decision to take out loans to come to grad school. I worried that I would graduate with my Master's degree and not be able to find a job to pay off my loans. What if I could never pay off my loans?

All of our lives we are taught that money is power. Even if it is never said explicitly. We hear phrases like "money talks," we see that candidates with the most money in their campaigns often win elections. We need money for our basic needs: food, shelter, clothing. If you don't have money, you are powerless, you are weak. You are the man asking a 23 year old for money to buy a burger from McDonald's. That is what our society says, anyway. We value the glitz and glamour of people with lots of money. We envy them; we think that if we can just have as much money as them, we will be happy.

We look down on people who are poor. We judge them. We assume that they are lazy and if they would just go get a job they would be fine. We resent them. We HATE them.

We HATE them.

Why?

Because they have no money.

So they must be lazy. They must be useless. They must be self-entitled.

So we snub them. Because they are less fortunate than we are.

I know people who call themselves Christ followers and yet they HATE these people.

Why? Because we believe that worth comes from money.

And that's why I was stressing out and spiraling downward. If I was under a load of loans, if I end up with no money, I thought that that would mean that I was powerless, weak, stupid, useless, worthless.

It isn't true.

That man in the Randall's parking lot is loved by God just as much as I am. He may not have enough money to buy a burger at McDonald's, but God rejoices over that man daily. God kisses his forehead. God holds him in the palm of his hand. God says to him, "You are my beloved. You are my creation. You are precious to me."

So I think this is what God had been training me for. This scary situation where I was getting into debt to pursue the passions that he instilled within me. When I doubt myself, it is because I am not relying on him. I am not trusting him to be faithful to me as he always has been.

He has been specifically faithful to me with finances within the last several months. He has been preparing me for the anxieties that he knew I would encounter. He has been preparing me for the self-doubt. He has been training me to believe that even though I don't have the money right now, he will provide it. He will provide a job, or a stipend, or a scholarship to pay off my loans or to keep me from taking out more loans. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I do know that my God is faithful and he will provide.

Blessings Until Next Time,

Sharon

Thoughts on Death

Today, a cat my family had for most of my life (around 15-17 years) died.

A few weeks ago, a friend's fiancee was killed in an accident involving a drunk driver.

Numerous police officers have been killed.

Since April, two of my very own pets (ducks) were killed by a raccoon. A bird my sister rescued died during the summer.

Lots of people die every day.

So death has been on my mind a lot.

I don't deal with death well.

I don't like it.

I want to live in a world where people and animals don't have to die.

Death robs us of the people and animals we love the most. Those who we feel we cannot live without. Those who we never imagined living without. It breaks our heart and our soul. It rocks our world.

And yet, we look around and see that even though our world is crumbling around us, no one else seems to realize that our world has changed forever. They just go about their lives as though everything is exactly the same. But it isn't.

And perhaps, that is the most heartbreaking part of death, or any loss. No one else is affected. No one else seems to notice just how much the world has changed. We feel isolated. No one else seems to understand.

We have a hole in our hearts that will not heal with time. Our lives, our worlds are changed forever in ways that others simply don't understand. We continue to live. Even with this ache in our hearts that may dull with time, but will never completely heal. We will carry their memory with us, we will continue to love them. We will miss them terribly until we one day are reunited.

Some of you may think that I am overreacting to the death of a pet. But really this is something that has been building up inside me over time.

But I am also heartbroken over the death of this cat. I could try to explain how special she was but you just couldn't understand that she truly was (and is) as dear to me as a best friend is to you.

And if you are grieving over a loss, whether recent or in the past, know that you are not alone. While the world may not feel the particular ache that you feel, and may not miss whoever you miss, we all have a hole in our hearts and a longing for someone who we can only guess when we will see them again.

We love you, Oreo.
We love all those who have left us.

Peace,

Sharon

Going to Grad School: Applying for your Apartment

Congratulations! You've found your ideal apartment; so now it's time to apply!

If you can, I reccommend applying in person, that way the leasing agent or apartment representative will be able to ensure that your application is complete.

If you can't apply in person, don't fret! Many apartments allow you to apply online either through a form online or you may be able to fax or email the application to the apartment manager.

In addition to the actual application, you will usually need to pay an application fee, some complexes require you to submit your deposit with your application, they may request a copy of your ID, and most students require a guarantor so there is often a form for your potential guarantor to sign.

Once your application is complete, the complex will likely look into your credit history, perform a criminal background check, and often check your rental history.

As long as everything comes back clear; you'll be approved and it'll be time to sign the lease! I'll be back next time with some advice on signing the lease.

Good luck,

Sharon

Going to Grad School: Finding a Place to Live

During the spring semester of my senior year at Texas State University, I applied to the master's non-thesis Marine Biology IDP program at TAMUG. I was accepted.

At first I wasn't sure if I was going to go or not, but after I applied for a ton of jobs, I hoped that that was a signal from the man upstairs that I should go ahead and go to grad school.

This meant that I had to find a place to live in Galveston. But as I'm about four hours away, that is quite difficult.

I googled Apartments in Galveston, TX which did return results, but ultimately wasn't that helpful. I looked on craigslist for apartments which helped me find two possible complexes and I looked up apartment locators in Galveston. However, the most useful resource was from the University's website.

Many Universities have information about off-campus living. This is probably the most reliable resource you can use. Although TAMUG requires all undergraduate students to live on campus, they have a listing of apartments which are willing to work with students, this listing also included what the rental rates were and what was included.

What to look for:

1. Rent - First, make yourself an approximate budget and determine how much you can afford in monthly rent. Do not look at apartments that are above your price range.

2. Utilities - Some apartments which are geared toward students will include all or some amount of the utilities. But it is very important to know what you are expected to pay. At my two apartments in San Marcos, no utilities were included. The electricity was metered and paid through the city, which worked out quite well. At my first apartment gas and water were allocated (water was allocated at my second apartment), which frustrated me. This means that your water bill is dependent on the entire building's water usage, which is then divided by the number and square footage of the units. So it is very difficult to control bills for utilities that are allocated. Utilities also tend to change from month to month so when rent includes all of your  utilities, budgeting is a lot easier.

3. Proximity to campus - I prefer to live within walking distance to campus, but if you don't mind living further and driving to and from school then you can increase your search radius. Often, apartments further from campus are less expensive. Also, if yur school has a bus system, its a good idea to look for an apartment that is either on the bus route or within walking distance of a bus stop.

4. Lease length - Often student's only live in the college town during the school year. If you plan to go home during the summer, it's a good idea to look for an apartment that offers 9 moth lease terms. But often, you may be stuck with a 12 month lease.

5. Roommates - Living with roommates is often less expensive, but can introduce new issues. Living in an apartment that offers "by-the-bed" leasing can help to reduce tensions because you aren't responsible for your roommates rent. If you would like to have roommates to save money, but don't have anyone to live with, keep in mind that many apartments do "roommate matching" though it should be noted that they may not try that hard to match you with someone. I have friends who say that you should not live with friends, because it may ruin the friendship. While this isn't true of everyone, I have seen it happen. If you do live with roommates, I recommend suggesting a "Roommate Agreement" which may help ease tension and reduce future problems. Just remember, you have to stick to the roommate agreement, not just your new roommate.

6. Do you have pets that you will be bringing with you? Most apartments have a pet deposit or pet rent. Some complexes have breed restrictions on dogs. These are things to be aware of when looking for your apartment.

Once you've found your ideal apartment, it's time to apply! I'll talk about that in my next post.

Happy hunting,

Sharon

Let's Catch Up

Well, since graduation I haven't really posted anything. So you have no idea what's going on with me.

Since graduation, I've been doing a whole lot of nothing. I was in a friend's wedding in June which was a huge privilege. I have applied for a lot of jobs and gotten zero interviews (which means zero offers). My grandma had a heart attack in July and I've been helping my mom take care of her. I've also decided to move forward with going to graduate school which is expensive, but maybe that will be a later blog post.

So yeah, that's what I've been up to over this very exciting summer.

I promise to post more often.

xoxo

Sharon

NaPoWriMo Day 17

I forgot to write a poem yesterday. Hopefully I will find the time to catch up over the weekend.

Today though I am just so sad, my heart is heavy, and my soul is quiet and mournful. A great tragedy occurred where I went to high school. A student shot himself this morning and this afternoon it was confirmed that he died. He was the son of a police officer. While I probably didn't know him, my heart is broken for him and his family, the other students, faculty, staff, police department, and the community in general.
I haven't looked at the prompt today, but this is the poem I feel like writing.


I don't know who you are
And I don't know why you hurt so much
We are all a little broken
And this life is too much to bear - alone.
Did you feel alone?
Did you have so much hurt inside that
This seemed like the only way out?
My dear, do you know that you are loved?
That we all wanted you here - on this earth?
You were never alone
Never are alone
We love you
We miss you
We wish you were home.

And hopefully, you are at home - in heaven
With the Father who loves you so very much

I wish that I had been there
To hug you
To tell you that I love you very much
That you are worthwhile
Maybe you would've smiled
I would have told you not to be scared
That life is hard sometimes,
Hard often
I would have sat and talked to you for hours

I am sorry that you were in so much pain
I am sorry that this seemed like the only way
And now my tears fall down with the rain

This earth is not the same - without you.

I know that I don't know you,
But I love you.

If it creeps up on you in the dark of night
Steals into your heart and won't let anyone inside
If it whispers in your ear and says you are alone
unworthy
unloved
unwanted.
Know that that voice does not come from above
and everything it tells you is a lie

Maybe it follows you like a shadow
Never leaves you alone
Smothers your hope
Tears you apart inside.
You are not alone
You are very much loved
Please speak up
We want to help you
To hold you
To show you just how much
we truly love you.

My deepest condolences to the family,

Sharon

NaPoWriMo Day 9

Sorry this is so late. Today has been a very busy day for me. I've had a lot on my mind. I'm not really feeling the prompt today. I couldn't come up with a concept I liked so I'm just going to write a random poem instead, inspired by my current mood at this very moment. Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me and right now, I am, unfortunately, in a low mood (but about 15 minutes ago, I was great...)



I see the things you think I don't
When you say one thing
But it's only a half truth
I know the things you think I don't
You think you are sly and cunning,
like a fox,
but you're not.
You're like a skunk,
Cute,
but,
I can
    see
and
    smell
and
     feel
everywhere you've been.
Your path so obvious to me
But you still think that I don't see.
I am shaking, mad, and sick
Why do you think you're so slick?
You complain about not having time
But then you go and waste it.
I won't save you anymore
That is what responsibility is for.
I'm not stupid
You aren't either
And maybe if you take responsibility
Instead of pawning it off on me,
maybe,
then, and only, then
there can be something more
but otherwise
I won't lie,
I've already got one foot out the door.

Not in a good mood, but I hope you are,

Sharon

NaPoWriMo - Day 8: Palinode

Today's prompt is to write a palinode which is, apparently, a poem that retracts a statement in a previous poem. If we don't have a statement in a poem we'd like to retract, Maureen (Ms. Thorson) suggests that we write about why we changed our mind about something instead. I think that is what I'm going to do.


There is much debate about why
I decided the summer after high school
To go here, instead of there.
My sister insists that it is because of a boy
(who later broke my heart);
She is still bitter about it
(Notice I said she, not I)
And, I suppose that is part.
But I was also scared
To be so far away from home
And I didn't have a car to make the trek
Whenever I wanted to
I would have been stuck there,
All alone,
Until a holiday
When my parents would've come to get me.
There is also the fact that they told me
That they had nowhere for me to live
But I was required to live on campus -
NO getting around it.
Where would I sleep?
I wondered.
Where would all my things go?
But here,
Is just down the road from home
I could commute
(Just 30 minutes).
There is much debate about why
I decided to go to Texas State
Instead of Texas A&M - Galveston
Even though things have worked out well
I've been on the Dean's List a few times
I joined an honor society
A Christian sorority
A Christian fellowship
I've made friends
I've gotten jobs
I've grown closer to God
I've become slightly more independent
Sometimes I'm really happy here
(When I'm not I'm usually tired, hungry, stressed, burned out).
And now I feel more confident to spread my wings
And wander further from my parents.
So really things have worked out quite well.
But all of these benefits are wiped away
When my sister says
"You should have gone to A&M Galveston"
And she blames it all on that boy, maybe unjustly.
Maybe she should thank him,
But she refuses to see
That maybe
(Just maybe)
Going to Texas State
Was the best thing
For me.



Not really sure if this qualifies as the suggested variation of a palinode, but this is my attempt for today's prompt! What do you think? Please tell, I won't bite!

Sometimes what we think is best for someone else, isn't,

Sharon

NaPoWriMo Day 7! Poem about Money

I've made it a whole week! And I'm still going strong (I think). Today's prompt is to write a poem about money. As I am a poor, college student (contemplating taking out loans to afford grad school...) I think we all know where this is going...




I go to the store
But before I check-out
I pull out my phone once more
To check my bank account and do some mental math
To see if I can afford to purchase the items I have.
I don't have enough money in my bank account
But I have some cash in my wallet
I pull out a few thin, green pieces of paper
And wonder if I should save them for later.
They feel soft and worn between my finger and thumb
And I think its odd they hold so much value
Especially to someone like me.
     I really don't like money at all:
     It brings out the worst in people
     It turns them to vice.
     It makes them greedy, angry - not at all nice.
     With our greed, we turn the same color as money - green
     We are nasty and spiteful and act for our gain
     When we could consider others instead.
But at the same time I realize that it is necessary
     Because that is how the world works
     We assign values to these pieces of paper
     And we give them to others in exchange for goods and services
The cashier is staring at me now
A scowl forming on his face
I haven't handed him the money
I've just been staring at it in my hand
And I'm not sure if I should save the money or spend it
Money is for spending, I rationalize
It won't go with me when I leave this earth
So I may as well use the money for what I can.
Reluctantly I hand it over,
Take my things and walk out the store
And there in the parking lot
Is a mother and children
Who could use the money I just spent
Way more than me...

-Sharon

Struggling with the Call

Obviously the Lord calls to all people. He calls us to follow him, to believe in him, to worship him.

And he gives us talents which help to determine our careers.

But there is another call from the Lord.

Jesus specifically called 12 disciples to follow him, live with him, learn from him, and ultimately to go out and teach his teachings and heal more people.

Then he sent out 70 (or 72, depending where you are reading) others to teach and to heal as well.

But I doubt that was all of his followers, we do know that he attracted quite the following while he was here on earth. So what happened to his other followers after Christ left the scene? I imagine they were part of the membership of the early churches, but that doesn't mean that they all traveled, taught, and healed.

We are all chosen by God and we all have a place in His kingdom.

But we are called to different things.

Some are called to ministry.

And that is what I'm struggling with.

I think I might be called to ministry or mission work or something along those lines.

But when I try to talk to people about it, they tell me that I don't have to go into 'the' ministry. They say that I can get a job in whatever I want and then serve the community and, sure, this is true, many people do this and they are doing the Lord's work, but I'm not sure that's what the Lord wants from me.

I think he wants more than that (from me).
I mean Jesus himself set the standard pretty high for his followers:

As they were going along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” But he said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:57-62

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes - even their own life - such a person cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26

I mean that's pretty clear isn't it? Jesus wants our WHOLE life. He wants us to answer the call without hesitation. He wants to come before everything else and he wants us to be willing to give it ALL up for and to him. (Note: I don't think he literally means you should hate your family, I think he meant you should be willing to give up everything to follow him, and that is a pretty big order to fill).

But I do feel a hesitation and when I speak to someone about it, I hope they will affirm me and say that maybe he is calling me to the ministry. But they seem against it. They seem to think I would be throwing my life away if I went into the ministry or if I decided to go to seminary.

But how could I be throwing my life away if I'm trying to do the Lord's work?

I know that my hesitation isn't good. I feel torn. I want to get a job in biology, but simultaneously I want to go into the ministry or missions. I wonder what Jesus would say to me?

I believe my hesitation and my divided feelings are due to my human and spiritual natures being in disagreement. It is my hope that I can find the equilibrium where I am answering the Lord's call and hopefully doing something biology related. Only time will tell.

Some people think that if you are called, it will be easy, but nowhere in the Bible does it assure us of an easy life. In fact, Christians are assured of a hard life. Jesus himself says, "If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also." (John 15:20). And we know that Jesus was mocked and crucified so that is a rough life. So why do people think that Christianity assures us a rich, easy, happy life? It DOESN'T! Our reward is in heaven, not on earth.

And if just being a Christian is difficult, why would answering the call to the ministry be easy?


If you are struggling with anything in your life, I want to take a moment to reassure and reaffirm you. There is nothing wrong with struggling. There is nothing wrong with temptation. Jesus himself was tempted, so why should we expect to be free from temptation? Jesus struggled with accepting the call on his life. Before he was arrested, Jesus prayed to God, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42). Following Jesus's example, we should pray when we face temptation, fear, and struggling. God will strengthen us to do whatever he calls us to.

Blessings,

Sharon

Is It I, Lord? Are You Calling Me?

In 1 Samuel chapter 3, we learn the story of the Lord calling Samuel. Samuel believes it is Eli calling him during the night, he goes to Eli and Eli tells him that he did not call. Three times the Lord called. Three times Samuel thought it was Eli. The third time, Eli realized it was the Lord and told Samuel what to do.

Last year, I heard a minister tell the story of how God called to her as a child (the same way he called Samuel), but she ignored him, he called her again when she was older and she ignored him, he called again when she was a senior in college and she finally began to answer the call.

There is a hymn called, "Here I am, Lord" the chorus says:

Here I am, Lord,
Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go, Lord,
If you lead me,
I will hold your people in my heart.

It's a great song.

In these three examples, the Lord literally called these people. They heard his voice. I'm not sure the Lord always calls in that way.

But I do think he's been calling me.

It's more of a feeling than a voice.

I wish I literally heard his voice calling.

But I haven't, I've just felt the Spirit pulling me.

To what? I'm not sure.

But I pray that my answer to whatever the Lord asks of me is: "Here I am, Lord...I will go, Lord if you lead me, I will hold your people in my heart."

Have you ever felt God calling you to something? How did you know it was God? How did you know what he was calling you to?

Journaling

When I was in high school, I used to journal a lot.

I had this spiral notebook that I always carried with me. It had a purple cover.

I wrote my thoughts and my feelings and things that happened in it.

I rarely let anyone read it.

And if I let you read it, well that meant that you mattered a whole lot to me and I trusted you a whole lot.

It had helped me to process, to cope, to remember.

But at some point, I stopped journaling.

I'm not sure why.

So the other day I bought a little tiny pink-ish leatherbound (I think it is leather) notebook.

I plan to start journaling again, but the weird thing is I don't know where to start.

I guess I'll just carry it around until the mood strikes me or I think something that seems profound or whatever.

Am I the only one who sees a blank page and has mixed feelings?

It's like I want to write, but I'm worried that it won't be inspired enough. Like I'm worried that later I won't think it's good enough. But that isn't the purpose of journaling...

Do you journal? What do you write about? How do you start a new journal?

xoxo,

Sharon

What Does it Mean to Love Others?

If, as Christians, we believe that God loved all people so much that he suffered and died for all humankind, then how much more should we love and value each and every person?

And if we agree that this means we should love and value each and every person, how do we do that?

What is love?

What is it to love others?

Christian or not, we get a really good answer by looking at the life of Christ.

Christ healed the sick, restored sight to the blind, made the lame walk, made the deaf here, he fed the hungry, he didn't judge, he spoke up when people were going to harm someone else and stopped them, he never turned anyone away. He went through life loving everyone. Even right before he was arrested he reattached the soldier's ear.

Jesus said that we should "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV).

Did you get that? It is just as important to love our neighbors as it is to love God. And by neighbors, Jesus means all other people.

And if all of that isn't good enough, Jesus, himself said: "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13 KJV).

And then Jesus did just that, he suffered, bled, and died for all of us on earth, because he is desperate to be in relationship with each and every one of us.

So practically, how should we love others?

When you see someone eating alone, ask if you can sit with them.





When you see a homeless person, help them in any way you can.

When you hear of wrong doing in the world, stand against it.

It means giving your shirt off your back or the shoes off your feet.

It means giving a hungry person your last piece of bread.

It means speaking up for the voiceless.

It means seeking justice for those who are unrightly accused.

Standing up for the downtrodden.

Speaking up when you want to turn away.

It means selflessly giving.

It means serving.

It means:
“Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.” (John Wesley).

And yes, it could potentially mean giving up your life for the life of someone else.

xoxo

Sharon

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

In campus ministries we talk a lot about reaching those who don't know Christ and I know that is important and it is definitely a meaningful and worthwhile goal, but I think we are missing something here.

In our focus on those who don't know Christ we forget about those who do know Christ.

Just because someone believes in Christ doesn't mean they aren't lost...

...or wandering....

....or questioning....

....or feeling alone....

In college, we are surrounded by independence and freedom, we are surrounded by the secular. We are surrounded by Christians and non-Christians. And maybe in this tumultuous time, we get swept under, lost. And when we finally bob to the surface there isn't a Christian in sight.

Maybe like me, they are shy and introverted. I don't like to go to new places alone. It helps me to have someone with me or an invitation to go. I wouldn't have found Chi Alpha at Texas State if one of my (few) friends hadn't invited me to their BBQ at the beginning of my junior year.

It was a huge leap of faith for me to join Sigma Phi Lambda because I knew no one in it and I knew no one joining it, but I had been fighting the feeling that I should join it up until my junior year.

I'm so glad that I took those scary steps of faith to join those organizations because I have made amazing friends and I have learned wonderful things, I have so many people to go to for love and support and prayer in times of need.

But what if my friend hadn't invited me to the BBQ, what if I hadn't been courageous and joined Phi Lamb? I don't even want to imagine where I would be. But I will. I would be scared and alone ALL the time. I would be isolated and when things were difficult I would have no friends to turn to. I wouldn't have friends to speak God's truth into my life when I need it. I would be so ready to get out of here, but instead I am sad to go, because I have found such community here.

Being a Christian means being a part of community. But not all Christians will seek it out in college. So those of us who have found community need to seek out those isolated Christians, we need to befriend them, we need to show them that they are not alone and they never have to be alone.

In Luke 15, Jesus tells the parable of the lost sheep. A shepherd has 100 sheep, but one is missing, but that one is so important the he leaves the other 99 to find the 1 that is lost.

What do we know about that one sheep?

It was part of the flock,
         but now it isn't.
The shepherd knows it
         and he knows that it's missing.
The sheep may be in danger.
That one sheep is very valuable.

That one sheep is like Christians who haven't found a spot at college. They are lost, they are valuable, they are alone, they are separate, they may be in danger, and the Lord knows them. And he wants them to be a part of the community very much. It is not the responsibility of the sheep to find the flock, it is the responsibility of the shepherd to find the sheep. Though we are the sheep, we are also the hands and feet and mouth of Christ, therefore, we are the hands and feet and the mouth of the shepherd.

Therefore, it is our duty to find the lost or alone or separated Christians. It is our duty to reunite them with the body of believers.

 I believe that finding and reaching them is an achievable goal.

Twitter-zilla

Twitter. It can be a great social media device.

Or it can be a friendship destroying monster.

It all depends how you use it.

I tend to use it frequently with random content. From complaints about neighbors to buzzfeed quizzes to following bull riders to pictures of cute animals to venting about friends.

I've seen it before. A girl posts something nasty about a friend, the friend finds out, and then they aren't such good friends anymore.

You would think this cautionary tale would have stopped me from doing what I did. But it is like second nature to me. Something frustrating or annoying happened and so I pulled out my phone and tweeted it. It is so fast, so easy. And that's exactly the problem. In 140 characters or less, you may have just torn another person down. You don't have to think about it. You just type it in and press tweet and bam, it is out there for the world to see.

You might not have meant anything by it (I didn't). It might have been no big deal to you. You might have just been annoyed or frustrated and so you wanted to vent and so you did. It was easy. And now you just move on.

Or if you are like me, you probably tweeted ten (or more) things (or one really long thing that takes more than one tweet to explain) and then you moved on. You probably didn't think about it again (I didn't). You just moved on, relieved of your complaints; you vented, you drained, you released, you blew off steam. So you're fine.

But here's the thing: the internet doesn't know that. The person reading the tweet doesn't know that. The person reading the tweet, who the tweet is about, who you were certain would never read the tweet, doesn't know that you are completely fine, that it was no big deal, that everything is fine as far as you are concerned (that's another problem with social media, it's so self-centered).

But to them, their world is deflated. They think you hate them. They think you can't stand them. They are hurt.

You didn't mean anything by it.

But they are devastated.

And maybe they say something about it. And then you are taken aback. Then you scramble trying to figure out what to do. You say you were just venting. You look at your tweets (most of which you have completely forgotten about) and for the most part, you feel like they were fine, that there is no reason for the other person to be upset, but maybe there are one or two that you read and you cringe, you think "I really should not have said that." You know just how much it would have hurt if you had read that one particular tweet. And yeah, you can delete them so that no one will ever read those tweets again.

But it's too late.

The damage has already been done.

I don't really know what to do about that. I'm still in this whole process. But here is what I do know:

1. You have to be very careful what you post on social media.
You might think you know who will see it and read it. You might mean nothing by it. But in reality, you can't control what other people read or how they feel about what they read, so you need to be very mindful of what you post. It could definitely have negative repercussions. So THINK before you post.

2. Everyone needs to vent.
No one is happy with 100% of the people around them 100% of the time. And that is totally okay. But be careful how you vent. Write it in a journal. No one else will read this. It is a safe place for your thoughts. Or you could write it down, tear it up, and throw it away. I really, really don't see how that could go wrong. If you really need to tell someone, be selective about who you tell. Don't tell a mutual friend or the biggest gossip you know. Tell someone who will understand that this is just between the two of you and that things are fine between you and whoever you are venting about.

3. If you have been on the receiving end of this, I'm sorry.
Words can really hurt. But try to remember, more than likely things are okay. Everyone needs to vent. I'm sure you vent too. Maybe you are more tactful about it, but think of your parents, significant other, friends. Think of all the people who you love, who you care about the most. At some point or another, you have been mad/embarrassed/frustrated/annoyed with them, that's a normal part of relationships. And maybe you wrote something about them in a journal or on a blog or on twitter or maybe you told a good friend. Maybe you even told them something really hurtful to their face. You were venting. Everyone needs to vent. Not everyone deals with these sorts of things the same way and that's okay. You have been mad/frustrated/annoyed with someone that you could never imagine not being a part of your life. It doesn't mean that they dislike you, we all need to vent and it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad for the relationship.

Be careful with your words.

Live in harmony with each other. Don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all! - Romans 12:16 New Living Translation

Think before you post!

Sharon

Applying to Grad School (or My Totally Weird Experience Taking the GRE)

So I'm applying to Graduate School! Which is exciting I guess.... I hope I get in, but I'm not sure if I'll go or not. I really want to but a) I'm sort of tired of school and b) I'm not sure how I'll pay for it (I'm applying for a non-thesis program which means there's little to no funding). But part of me really wants to go! So we'll see what happens, but first I have to get in! So first I want to give you a quick run-down of what the application entails. And then I'm going to tell you about the totally weird experience I had taking the GRE (but NO content of the exam, because that violates the rules of the test and can result in bad things, like my scores on the exam being cancelled. It's kinda like the AP tests and all that).

So for my application to grad school (which is pretty standard)  I had to submit:

• The ApplyTexas application (again?!?!?) (if you aren't from Texas, this is the common application that ALL public schools in Texas have to accept and most private schools accept as well).
• An application fee (which was $50)
• Three letters of recommendation! This gave me a bit of pause, because I am introverted and shy, I don't tend to go to my professors' offices and get to know them. I easily thought of one professor (my go-to for letters of recommendation because I had him for two classes and I knew he knew me fairly well), remembered that one of my professors REALLY wanted all of us to go to graduate school (he told me he thought I would get accepted by the program when I asked him [through email of course - shy, remember] - that was so encouraging!), and thought of another professor who I knew knew who I was (the bar was kinda low here). I can not reiterate this enough: TALK TO YOUR PROFESSORS, it helps your grade and you never know when you'll need their letter of recommendation.
• A statement of purpose - this is basically saying why you want to go to grad school, specificially their program, what you can gain from it, and what you have to offer. It's kind of like an elevator pitch. I feel like I could've done way better, but oh well.
• A resume/CV
• My GRE scores (it costs $150 to take this test by the way)

(For more info about what applying to grad school feels like see this buzzfeed article, it's pretty funny and accurate at the same time).

That brings us to My Totally Weird Experience Taking the GRE. So looks like this post might be a little long. Hopefully, you think this is funny/outlandish/entertaining or something.

So to begin with, I was frustrated because when I started looking into taking the GRE, I discovered that I could not take the GRE in San Marcos (where I go to school), but instead, I would have to take it in Austin or San Antonio. I don't have a car, so getting there would be difficult.  Plus it was $150! Believe me, I don't have that lying around. So I talked to my parents and they said that not only would they foot the bill, but my dad would drive me to and from the test (parents of the year, every year [my parents are awesome - this is not sarcastic]). So I sign up and my test is the following Wednesday which happens to be the week that school starts so no time to study for this super important test...oh well, I'll just do the best I can.

So the day of the test comes, dad picks me up from my apartment, we get lunch, and drive like an hour to the other side of San Antonio (I think, I really don't know most of San Antonio very well). And we go to a nearby Barnes and Nobles because we have about an hour til I'm supposed to be there. Then we head to a nearby shopping center where the Prometric Testing Center is "co-located" (pretty sure they made up that word) with a Sylvan Learning Center, but there are two doors so I'm not sure which one to go in. So I go in the Prometric one and walk down this really weird long hallway to another door which informs me that I need to turn off my phone and send my dad away. So he goes back to the car (where he'll wait for a little bit because I was slightly concerned they wouldn't let me test because the name on my driver's license doesn't 100% match the name I registered for the test with - but I couldn't figure out how to change it for the life of me).

The place is dead quiet. And there's like NO ONE there (but I hear voices coming from the back). It kinda looks like a doctor's office. So I go over to the reception desk that says check in here. And I stand there for a minute before a lady comes out and asks for my ID and asks if my phone is off and tells me I need to empty my pockets (which were empty, thankfully). She gives me forms on a clipboard and a key to a locker to put my stuff in but tells me to keep my ID with me at all times and that I'll need to sign the paper and copy the paragraph on the bottom and we can get started when I finish the form.

So I put my purse in the locker and go sit down to do the form. It's mostly just agreeing to rules. Then I accidentally check a box indicating I'm not a US citizen (which I am, whoops!), only I haven't realized it yet. So when I go to turn in the form (to a different girl) she's like "Do you have your papers or passport?" So I get super confused and say "No, just my driver's license." The girl looks at me like I'm crazy and is like, "Are you a US citizen?" I say I am. She tells me I checked a box saying I'm not...I quickly scratch that out and check the correct box which satisfies her.

She takes me back and has me stand on these two footprints. She has me pull out my pockets to show they're empty, then she has me rub my hands side to side in my back pockets to show those are empty too. She has me push up my sleeves as far as I can. She has me pull my pants up so that she can see that there's nothing on my ankles. Then she has me put my feet together and uses one of those paddle things they use at airports and what-not when you make a metal detector go off to make sure I don't have anything hidden on me, I guess. She also has me take off my glasses so that she can make sure there's nothing on the back of them (I have no idea what they were looking for - a disguised google glass, maybe? I'm way too poor for that and I have no connections so...).

Now I sit in front of a guy at a computer (which I notice shows all of the people at the computer stations in the testing room - um, creepy); he takes my driver's license and has me tell him the address I used to register for the test. And the email I used to sign up for the test, which makes me nervous because I have two and I don't remember which I signed up with and I'm wondering if I tell them the wrong one if they'll make me leave. I tell them my school email, which turns out to be correct (thank goodness). Then he takes a terrible picture of me with a webcam (which I later realize will be sent to the school with my score report, thanks guys). He explains a bunch of rules to me, which I'm fairly certain are the same ones I read and agreed to earlier. Then they have me sign in on a sheet they've made just for me, and of course I sign in the wrong spot (ooops! I'm nervous, guys, sorry).

Then the girl takes me into the room with my four sheets of scratch paper and two pencils that they provide and my ID and locker key. She tells me to stand with my back to the wall while she puts the stuff at my station. I sit down and a little over two hours later, I finish. I sit there at the computer for awhile, wondering if I'm allowed to get up and leave or if I have to raise my hand to let them know, because this is the one thing they didn't tell me. Finally, I decide I'll just stand up and see if ninjas jump on me or something (they don't). Sign out, get my purse out of the locker, put the key on the desk (as I was instructed). And I was SO glad to leave!

I wonder if they were supposed to take a blood sample, too?

Good luck if you ever have to take the GRE,

Sharon

Maintaining Relationships

Hi guys,

So I'm going to try something a little bit different. I made a video! It's on YouTube, but it's unlisted so you can only see it if you use this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLSIx7JR5MU&feature=youtu.be (hopefully it works). The link is hot, so you should just be able to click and go to YouTube, if not, try copying and pasting.

In this video I'm going to talk about maintaining relationships (all kinds of relationships, focusing on non-romantic relationships).

What I hope you'll get out of it is:

• Spend time with your friends
• Let them know they're important to you!
• It's okay to ask for their support (in fact, it's important)
• BUT be sure to be there for them too!

Plus you'll get to see what I look like, which might make this blog a bit more personal, I think?

Anyways, let me know what you think. Should I do more blogs this way? What would you like me to talk about? PLEASE give me feedback. I feel like I'm just talking to myself here.

This video is a bit long, it's around 11 minutes, but please stick it out, I think you kind of get to see my personality.

If you regularly read this blog (and even if you don't), PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE provide me some sort of feedback, I'm trying to do this for you!

Let me know what you think!

Be good to your friends,

Sharon