Thoughts on Death

Today, a cat my family had for most of my life (around 15-17 years) died.

A few weeks ago, a friend's fiancee was killed in an accident involving a drunk driver.

Numerous police officers have been killed.

Since April, two of my very own pets (ducks) were killed by a raccoon. A bird my sister rescued died during the summer.

Lots of people die every day.

So death has been on my mind a lot.

I don't deal with death well.

I don't like it.

I want to live in a world where people and animals don't have to die.

Death robs us of the people and animals we love the most. Those who we feel we cannot live without. Those who we never imagined living without. It breaks our heart and our soul. It rocks our world.

And yet, we look around and see that even though our world is crumbling around us, no one else seems to realize that our world has changed forever. They just go about their lives as though everything is exactly the same. But it isn't.

And perhaps, that is the most heartbreaking part of death, or any loss. No one else is affected. No one else seems to notice just how much the world has changed. We feel isolated. No one else seems to understand.

We have a hole in our hearts that will not heal with time. Our lives, our worlds are changed forever in ways that others simply don't understand. We continue to live. Even with this ache in our hearts that may dull with time, but will never completely heal. We will carry their memory with us, we will continue to love them. We will miss them terribly until we one day are reunited.

Some of you may think that I am overreacting to the death of a pet. But really this is something that has been building up inside me over time.

But I am also heartbroken over the death of this cat. I could try to explain how special she was but you just couldn't understand that she truly was (and is) as dear to me as a best friend is to you.

And if you are grieving over a loss, whether recent or in the past, know that you are not alone. While the world may not feel the particular ache that you feel, and may not miss whoever you miss, we all have a hole in our hearts and a longing for someone who we can only guess when we will see them again.

We love you, Oreo.
We love all those who have left us.

Peace,

Sharon

NaPoWriMo Day 17

I forgot to write a poem yesterday. Hopefully I will find the time to catch up over the weekend.

Today though I am just so sad, my heart is heavy, and my soul is quiet and mournful. A great tragedy occurred where I went to high school. A student shot himself this morning and this afternoon it was confirmed that he died. He was the son of a police officer. While I probably didn't know him, my heart is broken for him and his family, the other students, faculty, staff, police department, and the community in general.
I haven't looked at the prompt today, but this is the poem I feel like writing.


I don't know who you are
And I don't know why you hurt so much
We are all a little broken
And this life is too much to bear - alone.
Did you feel alone?
Did you have so much hurt inside that
This seemed like the only way out?
My dear, do you know that you are loved?
That we all wanted you here - on this earth?
You were never alone
Never are alone
We love you
We miss you
We wish you were home.

And hopefully, you are at home - in heaven
With the Father who loves you so very much

I wish that I had been there
To hug you
To tell you that I love you very much
That you are worthwhile
Maybe you would've smiled
I would have told you not to be scared
That life is hard sometimes,
Hard often
I would have sat and talked to you for hours

I am sorry that you were in so much pain
I am sorry that this seemed like the only way
And now my tears fall down with the rain

This earth is not the same - without you.

I know that I don't know you,
But I love you.

If it creeps up on you in the dark of night
Steals into your heart and won't let anyone inside
If it whispers in your ear and says you are alone
unworthy
unloved
unwanted.
Know that that voice does not come from above
and everything it tells you is a lie

Maybe it follows you like a shadow
Never leaves you alone
Smothers your hope
Tears you apart inside.
You are not alone
You are very much loved
Please speak up
We want to help you
To hold you
To show you just how much
we truly love you.

My deepest condolences to the family,

Sharon

Failure

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because I'm struggling this semester. For the first time ever in my life, I am failing a class. It has me stressed out, confused, questioning my choices, depressed, terrified, and anxious. I've never failed a class before. NEVER.

I am a senior in college, wanting to graduate in May....FAILING a class required for my major.

A class REQUIRED to graduate.

How can this be?

I am struggling. I am being pulled under by a wave of emotions and confusion. I am overcome by a flood of thoughts.

I wish I had an easier major...

Maybe I should change my major....

Am I going to graduate....

What am I going to do...

I'm a failure...

I'm scared....

Why are these classes so hard....

What am I doing wrong....

Why can't I catch a break....

This isn't what I want to do with my life...

I'm not motivated....

It's a vicious cycle. I don't want to fail. But my lack of motivation this semester is what put me here. Then when I see a bad grade, the lack of motivation kicks in and makes me even less motivated. It's a negative feedback loop.

And frankly, nothing anyone is saying is helping.

I don't want to be told that I can do it.

I don't want to be told to go talk to the professor.

I don't want to be told that it's totally normal and everyone fails sometimes.

I don't want to be told that I have a plan should the worst happen (which it will, I've reached the point of no return, I am going to receive an F and I'm going to have to retake the class).

I want to be affirmed. Because I feel really lousy. I feel like a failure. I feel like failing defines me. I feel that I am a failure.

So if you are struggling, if you are failing at a job, a relationship, an assignment, a test, a class, or anything else, I am going to tell you what I wish someone would tell me.

Failing does not define you. Don't let failure bring you down and hurt you. Don't beat yourself up.

In the grand scheme of things, this failure DOES NOT MATTER.

You are inherently worthwhile. You are worth so much, and this struggle, this failure does not change that. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are worthy. You are intelligent. You are important.

I am proud of you.

I AM PROUD OF YOU.

Nothing will change that.

So don't let this failure define you. I am sorry that you are struggling, I am sorry that you are having a hard time, but everything will be okay. Just keep going no matter what struggles come your way.

And if you need to take a break, if you need to sit and cry and question life, I will sit with you. I will put my arm around your shoulder and sit with you silently in the pouring rain until you are ready to get up and get going again.

I don't have the answers. But I do know that the world is bigger than this. You are bigger than this.

It'll be okay,

Sharon

Depression

In light of recent events, I felt it was the right time to write this post. I am referring to the apparent suicide of Robin Williams on August 11, 2014. I had planned to write a post on Mental Health and, more specifically, Depression during May, Mental Health Awareness Month.

Depression is an important issue to me because in the Spring of 2012, I was struggling with depression. In fact, depression seems to run in the women of my family: my grandma, mother, both of my sisters and I have struggled with depression at some point during our lives. Depression is actually common, if you are depressed, you are NOT alone. There are many who are struggling or who have struggled with depression who you can talk to. Additionally, there are many places that you can go to get help. If you are depressed, please, please, please go get help. Talk to someone.

The two things that helped me the most through my depression were my counselor and my belief in God. I started going to counseling at my school. I went and spoke with my counselor once every two weeks. She gave me "homework" and we discussed the things that were bothering me. She was a sweet lady, easy to talk to, didn't mind if I cried, and really cared about me. If you think that people don't care about you, they do. 

Depression is common among women. Depression is common among freshmen and sophomores in college. This is because college students are under a lot of stress and they are experiencing an extreme change. The good thing about college is that most have free counseling centers for students. My school does. There is nothing wrong with going to counseling. Talking to someone is very important. Please get help. 

It is difficult for me to explain exactly how my faith helped me, except that it was very much like the "Footprints in the Sand" poem. I believe that the Lord was carrying me and holding my hand the whole way through my depression. There were days where I wanted to drop out of school and run away. I just wanted to give up. But I never did and I can't really explain why. I believe that God kept me going.

If you were depressed, and you have overcome it, please share your story with others. It helps to know that other people have been there. You can help to encourage other people. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Use your experience to help others. I shared with my sorority that I had been depressed and that I had gone to get help, when I shared this other girls shared that they had struggled in similar ways. One girl prayed for me thanking God that I had come out of "that black hole" and asking Him to help me to not be depressed again. Other girls told me that I could come to them if I ever started to feel that way again. And one girl hugged me for sharing. The reaction to me sharing that I had been depressed and that I had gone to counseling was completely positive and encouraging. Share your story with others, you never know who you might help.

If you are reading this and you are depressed and you feel that you have no one to reach out to: Please reach out to me. I care about you and I want to help you. I started this blog to help YOU in any way I can.

As for Robin Williams, his death is tragic and will be felt for years to come. He has made me laugh all my life and imagining the man who voiced and ad-libbed Genie not being in the world makes me very sad. To me, Robin Williams always seemed like a wonderful, happy man, but sometimes it is easy to hide things under the surface. I dedicate this post to Robin Williams, a man who made the world laugh. I never met him, but I will never forget him. We love you, Robin.

You Are Loved,

Sharon