Courtship

Recently I've been thinking a lot about relationships. I'm surrounded by them. I know a lot of girls who are dating or are engaged. As I mentioned previously, my roommate recently started dating this guy. Since it's her first relationship, I've been trying to help her, and talking to her has brought up some really tough questions. Especially about boundaries.

A few days ago I finished reading this book called, "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris. You might be a little freaked out by the word 'courtship.' It might seem old fashioned or you might think of it as the weird dating thing the Duggars do where the parents go on all of the dates with their kids. But that isn't the idea of courtship in "Boy Meets Girl." It's a kind of radically different approach to dating or relationships or whatever you want to call it. What it boils down to is being intentional, protective, and guarding your hearts as you pursue a relationship with someone else. Maybe like me, you've heard of being intentional and guarding your hearts. And maybe like me, you weren't quite sure what that meant. After reading this book, I think being intentional just means approaching the relationship honestly and with the intention of answering the question, "should I marry this person?" That is what dating is about after all, finding a husband or a wife; a partner for life. Guarding your hearts (as I understood it) is about being honest with the person you are in a relationship with about where you see the relationship going, not sharing too much of yourself too soon (emotionally or physically).

Courtship is this radically different approach to dating that I think we desperately need today. People treat sex as nonchalant. But really if you have sex with someone without commitment and trust, you are hurting yourself. Sex cannot be casual because it involves all of you. But you can't just draw the line at sex. There are so many other things that require boundaries, and I think Joshua Harris does a good job addressing that in his book. He recognizes that what worked for him might not be right for everyone else, but he does point out that lust always wants more. It may start with an innocent kiss...but eventually that will not be enough anymore (for lust). You have to set boundaries before you get into those situations. So where do you draw the line in the sand? That really is up to you and I can't answer that question, but I'd highly recommend reading the chapter in the book titled "True Love Doesn't Just Wait." And let me tell you, I don't think there's anything wrong with kissing before marriage, but Joshua does have me rethinking that a little bit after reading that chapter. He explains boundaries way better than I ever could, so I urge you to go pick up a copy of his book.

Courtship is also about community. It is so important to get to know someone as a part of a community: around their friends, family, church, and so on. It is important to ask people that you trust to keep you accountable to your boundaries. It is important to allow the people around you to have a voice in your relationship: they may see something you don't see. They really do just want what is best for you. So don't ignore your friends or family if they tell you something that you don't want to hear. That is the most important time to listen to them.

To me, I think that before entering a time of courtship, it would be ideal to already have a foundation as friends. There is certainly a place for growing a friendship inside of courtship, but I honestly can't even imagine entering a courtship without knowing the guy as a friend first.

The last thing I want to say is that this book brought some things up inside of me. I realized that I want a relationship too much. Which is bad for me and unfair to anyone that I would date or even marry. I would have unrealistic expectations for the guy which would be frustrating for him; he would never be able to measure up because I would rely on him too much. So that is something that I will definitely have to work on. I have to pursue the Lord first, and any guy can come second. Even though I know this, I need to actively work on it. The other thing is that I have trouble accepting God's forgiveness for my past mistakes; I know that I have turned away from them, but I still feel the guilt from them, so I really need to try and look at myself through the Lord's eyes instead of my own.

I really hope you'll go out and read "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris, it might just change your mind about how to pursue a relationship.

Happy Courting!

Sharon 

A few weeks ago at Texas State University, we had an alleged gun threat.

The University Police dealt with it in an efficient manner.

But my twitter feed blew up with posts about being scared and not feeling safe.

And that really annoyed me.

Yes, gun violence at schools has increased a ton. Yes, that is alarming. But, I believe that I am just as safe today as I was yesterday, and the day before that, the week before that, and even before 9/11/2001.

People point at events like this and say that we need more stringent gun laws. People from the other side retort that we need more people armed so that they can defend themselves and other innocent bystanders.

I don't want every Tom, Dick, and Sally armed, because frankly that is a very scary idea.

I do think we need more stringent gun laws. Psychological screenings. Intensive trainings. Some guns should be really, really, really difficult to get.

I don't want guns outlawed either. I don't have a good reason for that. I just don't.

More stringent gun laws are only the tip of the iceberg though.

Clearly, these events are indicators that something is very wrong with our society. People are broken. They are hurting. They are lashing out in very scary ways. We need to address these underlying psychological issues. We need to help them. We need to help everyone. We need to stop arguing and work together to fix what's obviously broken.

Stay safe,

Sharon

Don't Be THAT Friend

So my roommate got a boyfriend. And I know I should be happy for her.

But the truth is, I'm not. Partially because I don't like him for her and partially because I'm jealous.

But I think the thing that bothers me the most is that it seems like she's gone all the time now. The day they decided they were dating she was gone for 5 hours. She randomly left for an hour when she had gotten someone to cover for her because she needed to work on something for her at school. She's been gone for about 4 hours as I'm writing this.

I know it's exciting and fun when you first start dating someone. But it is so important to retain your friends. Things may not work out, but your friends will be there for you. Or, maybe they won't if you completely alienate them to spend time with your boyfriend all the time. You need to be careful to not invest in a guy too much even if you are married to him. You need other relationships. And, if as soon as you start dating, you're a ghost, well that's a problem.

I've been there. I've been that girl. I had basically no friends because I spent all my time with my boyfriend or waiting for my boyfriend or whatever. A lot of girls do this. But what happened when he broke up with me? I was alone. I was devastated. I had no one to help me through it. I became depressed. It happens. Believe me.

So don't become a ghost just because you got a boyfriend. Make time for your friends. Make plans to go do stuff with them. And don't spend too much time with him. Retain your old interests. And don't feel like you need to involve him in all aspects of your life. You don't have to talk to him 24/7. You don't have to see him every day. You don't have to go on a date every week. It's okay to take it slow and not get too involved too fast.

But hey, what do I know? It's your life.

I'm just a little lonely.

And I don't wanna take care of her dog.

Stick around,

Sharon 

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Football Game

So as I was walking to the football game on my lonesome Thursday night, an odd thing happened. I was approaching the tailgate zone and this guy stopped me, "Excuse me," he said, "I'm not trying to be weird, but I really just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful." 

"That is kind of weird, but thanks," I said.
"I don't mean to be weird, I just really felt in my heart that I needed to tell you that you are beautiful. And it's true. You're truly beautiful. Have a good night."
"Thanks," I said, "you too."

The guy seemed completely normal (as in, not altered in any way), but it was odd to say the least. He was a complete stranger and yet he felt compelled to stop me and tell me that I am beautiful, and beyond that, he actually stopped and told me. I can't say that I would. I posted the story on my Facebook and a ton of people liked it and my sister commented that obviously God was trying to send me a message. And maybe He was. The guy did say that he felt in his heart that he needed to tell me. I think this is even more amazing to me because I've never really felt like I actually heard God before. I've felt Him, I've seen Him in things, but I've never heard Him. And there he was as I was going to a football game, a completely normal thing, telling me that I, his creation, his daughter, am beautiful. I just can't even. And honestly, I haven't been feeling very beautiful lately. I've been feeling exhausted, stressed, frazzled, sad, used, drained, disastrous, but certainly not beautiful. Heck, I've even felt somewhat like a bad person recently. And to think, God knew how I was feeling and he put it in this random stranger's heart to tell me that despite everything, I am beautiful. Inside and out. That is pretty darn awesome. We do have an awesome God.

And if this somehow gets back to that random guy, thank you. That was exactly what I needed to hear. You are awesome. I love you (I'm not trying to be weird).

I am just dumbfounded that he felt in his heart that he should tell me that and he did it. I have felt that I should say something to people before. And I didn't do it. Yet, this guy has an obedient heart. How much better would the world be if we all listened to our hearts and did what was laid on them?

I hope that in the future, I can be more obedient to the Lord, because you never know why He is telling you to do something.

Stay beautiful, be obedient, and listen,

Sharon

Failure

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because I'm struggling this semester. For the first time ever in my life, I am failing a class. It has me stressed out, confused, questioning my choices, depressed, terrified, and anxious. I've never failed a class before. NEVER.

I am a senior in college, wanting to graduate in May....FAILING a class required for my major.

A class REQUIRED to graduate.

How can this be?

I am struggling. I am being pulled under by a wave of emotions and confusion. I am overcome by a flood of thoughts.

I wish I had an easier major...

Maybe I should change my major....

Am I going to graduate....

What am I going to do...

I'm a failure...

I'm scared....

Why are these classes so hard....

What am I doing wrong....

Why can't I catch a break....

This isn't what I want to do with my life...

I'm not motivated....

It's a vicious cycle. I don't want to fail. But my lack of motivation this semester is what put me here. Then when I see a bad grade, the lack of motivation kicks in and makes me even less motivated. It's a negative feedback loop.

And frankly, nothing anyone is saying is helping.

I don't want to be told that I can do it.

I don't want to be told to go talk to the professor.

I don't want to be told that it's totally normal and everyone fails sometimes.

I don't want to be told that I have a plan should the worst happen (which it will, I've reached the point of no return, I am going to receive an F and I'm going to have to retake the class).

I want to be affirmed. Because I feel really lousy. I feel like a failure. I feel like failing defines me. I feel that I am a failure.

So if you are struggling, if you are failing at a job, a relationship, an assignment, a test, a class, or anything else, I am going to tell you what I wish someone would tell me.

Failing does not define you. Don't let failure bring you down and hurt you. Don't beat yourself up.

In the grand scheme of things, this failure DOES NOT MATTER.

You are inherently worthwhile. You are worth so much, and this struggle, this failure does not change that. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are worthy. You are intelligent. You are important.

I am proud of you.

I AM PROUD OF YOU.

Nothing will change that.

So don't let this failure define you. I am sorry that you are struggling, I am sorry that you are having a hard time, but everything will be okay. Just keep going no matter what struggles come your way.

And if you need to take a break, if you need to sit and cry and question life, I will sit with you. I will put my arm around your shoulder and sit with you silently in the pouring rain until you are ready to get up and get going again.

I don't have the answers. But I do know that the world is bigger than this. You are bigger than this.

It'll be okay,

Sharon

You're So Pretty, You Could Date Any Guy You Wanted To

Or, a Brief History of My "Romantic Interests."

First of all let me apologize if my last post was a bit heavy; but it was something that needs to be talked about.

Second of all let me preface this post by saying I'm really not sure where I'm going with it. And let me apologize because this post is a bit long.

What I want to talk about is the fact that throughout my entire life I've been told in some way or another "you're so pretty, you could date any guy you wanted to." Let me start by saying that is simply not true.

When I was little I remember men telling my father that my sisters and I were so pretty that he would have to beat boys away. When I was in the 5th grade, my brother's girlfriend (they were seniors in high school) told me that I was so pretty that I would have lots of guys asking me out in high school, my ex's (now ex) girlfriend told me that I was so pretty I could have any guy I wanted. I'm sure if I thought longer I could come up with more examples, but for now I'll just stick with these three.

I'm tired of being told this because, like I said, it simply isn't true.

In 22 years of life I have had 5 "romantic interests" (if you will). I am defining "romantic interest" as a guy who was interested in me, I was interested in him to some degree, and he asked me on a date or asked me to be his girlfriend. FIVE. You can count them on one hand or one foot, if you'd prefer. They are:

Guy A: Asked me to be his girlfriend, never went on an actual date during the time we were "dating", only talked on the phone, said I was too clingy, cut off the circulation in my fingers the one time we held hands, was only dating me because I was smart and he could use me for "help" on homework. Broke up with me in less than a month.

Guy B: Asked me to be his girlfriend after knowing me for a very brief period of time, was super clingy and didn't let me eat lunch (because he had his arms wrapped around me), talked on the phone, never went on an actual date. Broke up with me in a month or two. Went to his PROM together (he was a senior, I was a sophomore) as friends (it was awkward and he mostly danced with other girls). Still not sure why he dated me.

Guy C: Flirted with me at school. Tried to kiss me. Tricked me into kissing him at my friend's birthday party. Asked me to be his girlfriend. Broke up with me the next morning via text. He was using me to make a girl jealous (it worked, they are still dating).

Guy D: Flirted with me at school. Asked me out after a couple of months. Took me on a lot of dates. Bought me candy, hot chocolate, and food. Lent me his iPod. Started going to church with me. Kissed me (not a trick or forced, I actually wanted to). Dated for 2 years. Thought things were going well. Broke up with me. Started dating someone about a month later (they are no longer dating though). Still can't figure that one out.

Guy E: Worked at the same place. Gave me his number. Got to know each other better through texting. Asked me out through texting. Told me it wouldn't work over Facebook. This was over a period of about a month.

Guys A-C were all during my sophomore year of high school. I started dating Guy D my senior year of high school. And Guy E was this year (my senior year of college).

Maybe that seems like a lot of guys to you....but it doesn't to me. Especially when you consider that two of them were just using me. So as far as I'm concerned, guys have been few and far between. I certainly cannot date any guy that I want to.

So assuming that it's true that I'm as pretty as people think (I'm not so sure...really), guys base who they ask out on more than appearance and I am doing something wrong. First of all, kudos to guys for not being as shallow as y'all are portrayed in popular culture. Second of all, I really wish I knew what they based it on. I know that there is something to initial physical attraction, but beyond that I have no idea why guys ever ask anyone out. If any guy happens to be reading this, please oh please let me know! For the sake of myself and girls everywhere. We just don't get what we are doing wrong.

I don't know what it is, but I do know that a) you are beautiful whether guys ask you out or not, b) you are worth a ton whether guys ask you out or not, c) there is so much more to life than relationships, and d) please don't let relationships define you.

I'm not complaining that people (mostly girls) think I'm pretty, but those comments did give me some false expectations, and I'm not gonna lie, I have been a bit disappointed that I don't feel more desirable....but there are so many more important things!

Love,

Sharon

Mental Self Harm

I wanna talk about something a little bit serious for a minute.

I'm a broken person. Sometimes I hurt and sometimes I do things to make myself hurt. I don't mean physically.

I mean emotionally. I mean mentally.

Let me explain, sometimes I mentally berate myself, tear myself down, tell myself all of the things that are wrong with me, and just otherwise beat myself up. I can be pretty brutal to myself. I don't treat others this way; I reserve it just for myself.

Other times I look at things that I know are going to hurt me. Like my ex's facebook, his new girlfriend's facebook. I don't do it in a stalker-ish way...I do it because I know it will hurt me. I don't know why I do this. It certainly doesn't make me feel good.

Some people might say that I have low self-esteem (which is sometimes true), other people might say it's an example of negative self-talk (which is probably true). I think it's a type of self harm. I know self harm is typically physical, but this makes me hurt too. And I know it's a bad thing. I think it's probably a symptom or an indicator of a larger problem, although mostly I feel fine...I can't explain it. I even tell myself I shouldn't do it...and then I do...I'm sure that it's unhealthy and it doesn't accomplish anything. I really don't understand it at all.

But I wish people would talk about this more. Maybe do some research on it. Acknowledge that we can mentally self harm and try to help those of us who do this.

What do you think? Is it a kind of self harm? Do you do this? Why do you do it? How can we stop? Let me know.

Sharon