Dating Guidelines

So you're entering into a relationship with someone! That's exciting! Maybe you've dated before but you want to proceed in this relationship in a different way.  But do you know how to go about it? I know I'm currently single, but I have dated in the past, I have read books, I have talked to people. What follows is a list of guidelines that I think would be useful in dating, and if/when I date/court in the future, I plan to follow them.

1. Have Non-negotiables:
• Non-negotiables are deal-breakers. Reasons you won't date someone. Define them, know them, and stick to them. There's no point in defining them if you are just going to throw them out the window as soon as you meet someone.
• If you are a Christian, don't date non-Christians. I don't care if you prayed about it and you think God says it's okay. This is the test of all tests. This is the line of all lines. You can't have a Christ-centered relationship if the other person isn't Christian. You don't share the same values. If your faith is actually important to you, it will be a problem to be in a relationship with someone who isn't a Christian. This is Biblical. The Bible tells Christians to be set apart and not to marry non-Christians (this is two different verses). The Bible is the Word of God. If it so clearly tells us to specifically do something (or to not do something), we should probably listen.
• My two biggest non-negotiables are that I won't date someone who isn't a Christian and I won't date someone who smokes. I have other preferences, yes, but if you don't pass those two tests, I won't date you.
2. Set Boundaries
• These boundaries should define what sorts of interactions are or are not unacceptable. For instance, it might be a bad idea to be alone in private together. You may not want to spend time together late at night.
3. Make sure both of you are aware of the boundaries
• Boundaries are easier to stick to if you are on the same page.
4. Tell other people about your boundaries
• Tell the people you spend the most time with or talk to the most, tell the people you live with, tell your parents. They will be able to help you stick to your boundaries.
• Don't get mad when the people you have shared your boundaries with tell you that they think you aren't sticking to your boundaries.
5. Listen to your friends and family
• If they come to you with concerns about the relationship. Listen! Don't get mad, discount what they tell you, or make excuses. Often when we care about someone the chemicals which make us feel as though we are in love (oxytocin, serotonin, adrenaline, and some others) tend to make us perceive the world differently and can cause us to ignore our significant others' flaws which may be detrimental in the long run. What I'm saying is your family and friends may be aware of things that you are completely unaware of.
• In fact, it would probably be a good idea to ask friends and family members what they think, especially people who know you well and who you trust.
6. Don't have sex
• When we have sex, our bodies produce the hormone vasopressin which, among other things, helps to develop a pair bond. It may cause a relationship that should've ended quickly to last awhile. And when you do break up, it will cause extreme pain when that pair bond is broken. It is in your best interests not to have sex.
7. Hang out with your friends
• Should the relationship not work out, it is important to still be close to your friends so that you can have support during this difficult time. And if the relationship is successful, you won't have to search out people to be in your wedding.
8. Don't lose yourself in the relationship
• It is okay to take interest in the things he is interested in, but he should take interest in the things that you are interested in.
• It is also important to be able to do things separately, sometimes we just need some time apart.
• Keep pursuing your interests throughout the relationship. You shouldn't have to give up an interest or a hobby to keep the relationship. He should respect that it is a part of who you are, he doesn't have to take up your hobbies, but he shouldn't prevent you from doing them.
• This is another thing that will help should the relationship end, you won't have to figure out who you used to be before the relationship and it will help you to be able to do things that you enjoy.
• In fact, my mother once recommended that I make a list of things that I enjoy doing and do them throughout the course of any relationship and I think this is a very good idea. 

Remember there's more to life than relationships, but if you are pursuing one or want to pursue one, be smart about it!

Also, you might want to check out my post on Courtship.

Happy Dating!

Sharon

Long Time No See

I'd like to apologize for my absence of just over a month. I've been relaxing over the Christmas holiday with my family and friends.

I am going to try to blog more consistently. I think once per week is a decent goal.

I have been looking into part time jobs as I'm short on money, and I've been looking for summer internships and jobs since this will be my last semester of college. I think I'll talk more about thoughts/feelings on my last semester of college in another post soon.

Looking ahead for the semester on this blog will be:

• Dating Rules/Advice (my next post)
• Thoughts on beginning my senior year of college
• Poetry! During April I plan to be a participant in NaPoWriMo...so hopefully I will manage to post a poem EVERY day during April.
• Probably some thoughts in July when they begin to tear down my old high school.
• Not sure what else, hopefully some cooking posts and maybe some gardening posts when it begins to warm up!

Best Wishes,

Sharon

Courtship

Recently I've been thinking a lot about relationships. I'm surrounded by them. I know a lot of girls who are dating or are engaged. As I mentioned previously, my roommate recently started dating this guy. Since it's her first relationship, I've been trying to help her, and talking to her has brought up some really tough questions. Especially about boundaries.

A few days ago I finished reading this book called, "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris. You might be a little freaked out by the word 'courtship.' It might seem old fashioned or you might think of it as the weird dating thing the Duggars do where the parents go on all of the dates with their kids. But that isn't the idea of courtship in "Boy Meets Girl." It's a kind of radically different approach to dating or relationships or whatever you want to call it. What it boils down to is being intentional, protective, and guarding your hearts as you pursue a relationship with someone else. Maybe like me, you've heard of being intentional and guarding your hearts. And maybe like me, you weren't quite sure what that meant. After reading this book, I think being intentional just means approaching the relationship honestly and with the intention of answering the question, "should I marry this person?" That is what dating is about after all, finding a husband or a wife; a partner for life. Guarding your hearts (as I understood it) is about being honest with the person you are in a relationship with about where you see the relationship going, not sharing too much of yourself too soon (emotionally or physically).

Courtship is this radically different approach to dating that I think we desperately need today. People treat sex as nonchalant. But really if you have sex with someone without commitment and trust, you are hurting yourself. Sex cannot be casual because it involves all of you. But you can't just draw the line at sex. There are so many other things that require boundaries, and I think Joshua Harris does a good job addressing that in his book. He recognizes that what worked for him might not be right for everyone else, but he does point out that lust always wants more. It may start with an innocent kiss...but eventually that will not be enough anymore (for lust). You have to set boundaries before you get into those situations. So where do you draw the line in the sand? That really is up to you and I can't answer that question, but I'd highly recommend reading the chapter in the book titled "True Love Doesn't Just Wait." And let me tell you, I don't think there's anything wrong with kissing before marriage, but Joshua does have me rethinking that a little bit after reading that chapter. He explains boundaries way better than I ever could, so I urge you to go pick up a copy of his book.

Courtship is also about community. It is so important to get to know someone as a part of a community: around their friends, family, church, and so on. It is important to ask people that you trust to keep you accountable to your boundaries. It is important to allow the people around you to have a voice in your relationship: they may see something you don't see. They really do just want what is best for you. So don't ignore your friends or family if they tell you something that you don't want to hear. That is the most important time to listen to them.

To me, I think that before entering a time of courtship, it would be ideal to already have a foundation as friends. There is certainly a place for growing a friendship inside of courtship, but I honestly can't even imagine entering a courtship without knowing the guy as a friend first.

The last thing I want to say is that this book brought some things up inside of me. I realized that I want a relationship too much. Which is bad for me and unfair to anyone that I would date or even marry. I would have unrealistic expectations for the guy which would be frustrating for him; he would never be able to measure up because I would rely on him too much. So that is something that I will definitely have to work on. I have to pursue the Lord first, and any guy can come second. Even though I know this, I need to actively work on it. The other thing is that I have trouble accepting God's forgiveness for my past mistakes; I know that I have turned away from them, but I still feel the guilt from them, so I really need to try and look at myself through the Lord's eyes instead of my own.

I really hope you'll go out and read "Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris, it might just change your mind about how to pursue a relationship.

Happy Courting!

Sharon 

A few weeks ago at Texas State University, we had an alleged gun threat.

The University Police dealt with it in an efficient manner.

But my twitter feed blew up with posts about being scared and not feeling safe.

And that really annoyed me.

Yes, gun violence at schools has increased a ton. Yes, that is alarming. But, I believe that I am just as safe today as I was yesterday, and the day before that, the week before that, and even before 9/11/2001.

People point at events like this and say that we need more stringent gun laws. People from the other side retort that we need more people armed so that they can defend themselves and other innocent bystanders.

I don't want every Tom, Dick, and Sally armed, because frankly that is a very scary idea.

I do think we need more stringent gun laws. Psychological screenings. Intensive trainings. Some guns should be really, really, really difficult to get.

I don't want guns outlawed either. I don't have a good reason for that. I just don't.

More stringent gun laws are only the tip of the iceberg though.

Clearly, these events are indicators that something is very wrong with our society. People are broken. They are hurting. They are lashing out in very scary ways. We need to address these underlying psychological issues. We need to help them. We need to help everyone. We need to stop arguing and work together to fix what's obviously broken.

Stay safe,

Sharon

Don't Be THAT Friend

So my roommate got a boyfriend. And I know I should be happy for her.

But the truth is, I'm not. Partially because I don't like him for her and partially because I'm jealous.

But I think the thing that bothers me the most is that it seems like she's gone all the time now. The day they decided they were dating she was gone for 5 hours. She randomly left for an hour when she had gotten someone to cover for her because she needed to work on something for her at school. She's been gone for about 4 hours as I'm writing this.

I know it's exciting and fun when you first start dating someone. But it is so important to retain your friends. Things may not work out, but your friends will be there for you. Or, maybe they won't if you completely alienate them to spend time with your boyfriend all the time. You need to be careful to not invest in a guy too much even if you are married to him. You need other relationships. And, if as soon as you start dating, you're a ghost, well that's a problem.

I've been there. I've been that girl. I had basically no friends because I spent all my time with my boyfriend or waiting for my boyfriend or whatever. A lot of girls do this. But what happened when he broke up with me? I was alone. I was devastated. I had no one to help me through it. I became depressed. It happens. Believe me.

So don't become a ghost just because you got a boyfriend. Make time for your friends. Make plans to go do stuff with them. And don't spend too much time with him. Retain your old interests. And don't feel like you need to involve him in all aspects of your life. You don't have to talk to him 24/7. You don't have to see him every day. You don't have to go on a date every week. It's okay to take it slow and not get too involved too fast.

But hey, what do I know? It's your life.

I'm just a little lonely.

And I don't wanna take care of her dog.

Stick around,

Sharon 

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Football Game

So as I was walking to the football game on my lonesome Thursday night, an odd thing happened. I was approaching the tailgate zone and this guy stopped me, "Excuse me," he said, "I'm not trying to be weird, but I really just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful." 

"That is kind of weird, but thanks," I said.
"I don't mean to be weird, I just really felt in my heart that I needed to tell you that you are beautiful. And it's true. You're truly beautiful. Have a good night."
"Thanks," I said, "you too."

The guy seemed completely normal (as in, not altered in any way), but it was odd to say the least. He was a complete stranger and yet he felt compelled to stop me and tell me that I am beautiful, and beyond that, he actually stopped and told me. I can't say that I would. I posted the story on my Facebook and a ton of people liked it and my sister commented that obviously God was trying to send me a message. And maybe He was. The guy did say that he felt in his heart that he needed to tell me. I think this is even more amazing to me because I've never really felt like I actually heard God before. I've felt Him, I've seen Him in things, but I've never heard Him. And there he was as I was going to a football game, a completely normal thing, telling me that I, his creation, his daughter, am beautiful. I just can't even. And honestly, I haven't been feeling very beautiful lately. I've been feeling exhausted, stressed, frazzled, sad, used, drained, disastrous, but certainly not beautiful. Heck, I've even felt somewhat like a bad person recently. And to think, God knew how I was feeling and he put it in this random stranger's heart to tell me that despite everything, I am beautiful. Inside and out. That is pretty darn awesome. We do have an awesome God.

And if this somehow gets back to that random guy, thank you. That was exactly what I needed to hear. You are awesome. I love you (I'm not trying to be weird).

I am just dumbfounded that he felt in his heart that he should tell me that and he did it. I have felt that I should say something to people before. And I didn't do it. Yet, this guy has an obedient heart. How much better would the world be if we all listened to our hearts and did what was laid on them?

I hope that in the future, I can be more obedient to the Lord, because you never know why He is telling you to do something.

Stay beautiful, be obedient, and listen,

Sharon

Failure

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because I'm struggling this semester. For the first time ever in my life, I am failing a class. It has me stressed out, confused, questioning my choices, depressed, terrified, and anxious. I've never failed a class before. NEVER.

I am a senior in college, wanting to graduate in May....FAILING a class required for my major.

A class REQUIRED to graduate.

How can this be?

I am struggling. I am being pulled under by a wave of emotions and confusion. I am overcome by a flood of thoughts.

I wish I had an easier major...

Maybe I should change my major....

Am I going to graduate....

What am I going to do...

I'm a failure...

I'm scared....

Why are these classes so hard....

What am I doing wrong....

Why can't I catch a break....

This isn't what I want to do with my life...

I'm not motivated....

It's a vicious cycle. I don't want to fail. But my lack of motivation this semester is what put me here. Then when I see a bad grade, the lack of motivation kicks in and makes me even less motivated. It's a negative feedback loop.

And frankly, nothing anyone is saying is helping.

I don't want to be told that I can do it.

I don't want to be told to go talk to the professor.

I don't want to be told that it's totally normal and everyone fails sometimes.

I don't want to be told that I have a plan should the worst happen (which it will, I've reached the point of no return, I am going to receive an F and I'm going to have to retake the class).

I want to be affirmed. Because I feel really lousy. I feel like a failure. I feel like failing defines me. I feel that I am a failure.

So if you are struggling, if you are failing at a job, a relationship, an assignment, a test, a class, or anything else, I am going to tell you what I wish someone would tell me.

Failing does not define you. Don't let failure bring you down and hurt you. Don't beat yourself up.

In the grand scheme of things, this failure DOES NOT MATTER.

You are inherently worthwhile. You are worth so much, and this struggle, this failure does not change that. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are worthy. You are intelligent. You are important.

I am proud of you.

I AM PROUD OF YOU.

Nothing will change that.

So don't let this failure define you. I am sorry that you are struggling, I am sorry that you are having a hard time, but everything will be okay. Just keep going no matter what struggles come your way.

And if you need to take a break, if you need to sit and cry and question life, I will sit with you. I will put my arm around your shoulder and sit with you silently in the pouring rain until you are ready to get up and get going again.

I don't have the answers. But I do know that the world is bigger than this. You are bigger than this.

It'll be okay,

Sharon